


Do You Even Ride?

by casstayinmyass



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 17 year olds, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Farm/Ranch, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Apple Pie, Awkward Conversations, Awkward Sexual Situations, Barebacking, Bisexual Dean, Blow Jobs, Bobby's got a killer country accent, Bottom Castiel, Bottoming from the Top, Cas hates Texas, Cas hates country music too, City Boy Cas, Coming of Age, Country & Western, Cowboy Dean, Cowboy Hats, Dean Being an Asshole, Dean Talks Dirty, Dean is a jerk, Dean trying to set his feelings straight, Dirty Talk, Don't ask Dean if he likes Cas you won't get a straight answer, Eventual Happy Ending, Gay Male Character, Gay Panic, Hand Jobs, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, Masturbation, Meg is a good pal, Mutual Masturbation, Panty Kink, Ride a Cowboy, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Slow Burn, Texas, Top Dean, Topping from the Bottom, angsty backstory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2016-01-04
Packaged: 2018-04-16 08:44:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4618953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casstayinmyass/pseuds/casstayinmyass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas Novak is a 17 year old boy from San Diego, California. For the summer, his parents suggest he go work on a family friend's ranch in Texas. Wait, scratch that- suggest is an understatement. They practically volunteer him. Great. That means a whole summer cleaning horse crap and hanging around the Winchesters and their country-boy son, Dean, which Cas is so not looking forward to, because the guy is a total jerk. It also doesn't help that he's really, impossibly, frustratingly attractive, but has made it quite clear to Cas he's straight. Yep. Have fun avoiding those awkward situations. But as the haze of the summer wears on, the two find that they're learning more about themselves through each other than either thought they would.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Accompaniment playlist: http://8tracks.com/casstayinmyass/do-you-even-ride

               

"Cas!!"

Castiel tapped his pen against his notebook, listening to his music as he sketched an outstretched hand. He was currently working on some of his drawings to build his portfolio, and now that school was out, he was looking forward to all the extra time he'd have to himself.

He was listening to Cheerleader by OMI, which he had been listening to for the past 30 minutes. He was just sketching the thumbnail as his door burst open.

"Jesus!" Anna cried, looking dramatic as ever, "Mom's been calling you for like, ten straight minutes!" Cas frowned, and took out his earphones.

"I'm sorry, what? I didn't catch you." His older sister groaned.

"Just go downstairs, dumbass."

Cas sighed, and with a roll, he fell off his bed, springing up and making his way downstairs.

"What is it?" he asked, scratching his bedhead. His mother, Hester, looked him over.

"Castiel... have you even brushed your hair today?"

"Why would I need to? I'm not going anywhere." Anna walked by him, scoffing.

"I swear you've worn the same pajama outfit for three days." Cas' mom sighed.

"Well, not for long. We have good news!" His dad got up from his seat and came over too.

Cas' stomach churned. When his parents had good news and Chuck actually pried himself away from his laptop writing to say something, someone had either died or Cas was in deep trouble.

"I didn't mean to break the basement window, it was just an experiment," he said. They frowned.

"What?"

"Oh... nevermind, nothing. You were saying?"

"Well, we were saying-"

Just then, they heard an eardrum-shattering scream from upstairs. Anna grumbled into a couch pillow, and Chuck counted down.

"3...2..."

* _SLAM_!*

Cas' younger sister, Becky, came charging down.

"You will never believe what just happened," she squealed.

"What?" Her mother asked.

"SAL AND DAN KISSED!!"

"Wonderful," her mother sighed.

"We're in the middle of something, honey," Chuck said softly.

"Oh my god, my thing is so much more exciting than your thing."

"Regardless, please give us a moment."

Becky pouted, but bounded back upstairs to no doubt call her friend or write some sort of weird fan porn. 

Cas looked back to his parents.

"So... what is it? Boarding school? Selling me to slavery?"

"Oh, no. Nothing like that! You remember the Winchesters, don't you honey?" Cas stopped moving. Did he remember them? Huh, let's see...

Did he remember the Christmas party three years ago, where their son Dean had been wearing that green sweater? Did he remember how Dean kept looking at him all night, so after, he had pulled him aside into the coat closet, thinking they had a thing? And did he remember trying to touch what was underneath that sweater and kiss him, and then getting yelled at by him? Did he remember how that was his "coming out" to his parents, overhearing the family friend's kid shouting that the weirdo was trying to ' _turn him gay?_ '

Unfortunately, yes. He did remember. Slavery would've been better than hearing about them.

"Um..." Cas shifted, looking down, "Yeah. I think so..."

"Well, as you know, Bobby and Ellen are good friends of the family, and it came up in conversation that you didn't have a summer job yet," Hester said. Chuck chewed on his nail.

"Uh, we've been thinking... you need a good summer job out somewhere in the wild, away from the things you know."

"So they told us you could work on their ranch in Texas for the summer!"

Cas thought he had heard wrong.

"E-excuse me?" His parents were all smiles.

"Yep! You'll leave in two days, to give you tomorrow to pack and stuff. They said Dean could use all the help he can get on the ranch!"

Cas couldn't speak. "Uh... but... but what about my drawing? Putting together my portfolio for college?"

"You can always take a year off before applying," Chuck said, "It's what I did."

 _Yes_ , Cas wanted to say, _and now you're a struggling writer in a house full of three kids._

"But..." Cas stuttered one more time, trying to think of any excuse why he shouldn't go. This was horrible! He couldn't spend a whole summer trying to avoid that asshole and his redneck parents when he was literally trapped in the middle of nowhere with them, trying to pretend he didn't think Dean was the sexiest thing that breathed. He frantically spoke up.

"I can't, I promised I would help Meg at the convenience store." _Whew. Nice save._

"Funny... I haven't seen her down there in weeks," her mother said. _Damn_. In all reality, she had been fired for pocketing a pack of gum (gum, of all things), and his best friend was now unemployed. Excuse: failed.

His mother smiled. "Honey, don't worry. It'll be fun! Now, we know you and Dean... aren't the closest..."

"Yeah," Chuck added, "But maybe you'll learn to respect one another more if you just converse properly."

What a writer thing to say.

It suddenly grew on Cas like nausea in his stomach that there was no way out of this. He simply could not bullshit his way out this time.

"So go get dressed, honey, we're going to get you a new suitcase and some stuff for the trip this afternoon," Hester smiled. Cas wished the earth would swallow him up. He climbed the stairs, trudging to his room.

"You have to spend the summer in Texas?" Becky's voice came from behind him. "That sucks!"

"I'm not in the mood, Becky," he told his 14 year old sister.

"Chill, I'm just saying... hope you have a fun time with that cowboy!"

Cas frowned at her. "He's not a cowboy, he just works on a ranch." Becky made a kissy face.

"You know what they say... save a horse-"

"I'm going now, Becky." Cas heard a faint "YEE-HAW!" as he shut his door, and sighed, sinking into his mattress. This was horrible.

He went over to his dresser, and slipped off his pants, digging around. He had a secret collection of women's panties at the bottom of his drawer, not because it got him all hot and bothered to wear them or anything, he just found them more comfortable, really. He had to remember to pack some of those, but in the meantime, he slipped on a red pair with a little black bow in the front. He was just tucking himself up when he heard a knock at his door.

"I told you, Becky, I'm not going to ride him!" Cas growled, and the door cracked open, Anna raising an eyebrow with a smirk.

"Who's riding who, now?" Cas blushed, and rolled his eyes.

"Anna. Nothing- nobody. What is it?" He liked his older sister better than his younger, probably because she was significantly less annoying and they had more in common.

"I just wanted to say," Anna started, closing the door and sitting down next to him, "I know how you feel about them. I remember, I was your age then when... that stuff happened. That kid was really shitty to you." Cas looked away.

"But remember one thing- forget the little bitch-ass. For that matter, forget mom and dad, they're being shitty too for sending you out there after all that. But hey, if you have your music and your sketchbook, you've got summer made," she half smiled, and nudged him in the shoulder. Cas huffed a laugh.

"Thanks, Anna. I'm sure I'll be okay."

As she left, he sat there, thinking. Maybe he could just go an entire summer ignoring everyone...

Ha. Like hell. Not with that "cowboy" riding around like he was the best thing on the green earth... and damn, Cas was worried he might go against everything he stood for and agree that he was.


	2. Chapter 2

"You can call us whenever you want!" Hester said, as Chuck stopped the car at the airport.

"You know your gate and everything?" Chuck asked, and Cas nodded.

"Of course. And I can only call you if they have a phone."

"I'm sure they're not that primitive, honey," Hester laughed, and kissed him on the cheek. "Bye!"

Cas waved halfheartedly, and before he knew it, he was standing in front of the airport, about to fly to Texas. What the fuck. How could he have let this happen? He should have employed Becky to help him come up with a cover... she was always the more devious of his two sisters.

He sighed. No turning back now. He could see into his future... he could see how this summer would play out... three words: cows, sweat, and sexual frustration.

Okay, that was four.

Cas scowled as he heaved his bag with him to his gate. He'd never been to Texas- maybe it was nice, if nothing else.

\----

Okay, so maybe not everything in Texas was horrible. The part that he was flying over, which was the West, had some beautiful mountains. He found himself wondering what the actual ranch would look like... he'd never been outside of California in his life, certainly not this far.

He waited outside the airport, wishing he hadn't brought his thick letterman jacket. Maybe he had time to take it off and stuff it into his suitcase...

Wait. Was he trying to keep up appearances? For some jerk-wad he hadn't seen in years?

Screw that, he thought, I'm keeping my damn letterman on.

Just then, a blue pickup truck drove up, and by the way it stopped right in the middle, Cas new it must be them. He got up, rolling his suitcase with him, and the window rolled down.

"You can put that in the back," Bobby, who was Dean's dad, told him. Cas nodded, and after hoisting his stuff up, got in the passenger's side.

"Well," Bobby said, starting the truck, "You're lookin'... older." Cas smiled, and nodded quietly.

"You're looking," he said, then wished he had never started talking.

"Yeah, well," Bobby smirked, "I know. That's what work on the ranch will do to you. This your first time working on one?"

Well, duh.

"Yes sir."

"Figured. Well, we've got some teaching to do for you... or Dean does, anyway- he's gotten pretty big too, these past few years." _I don't doubt it_ , Cas thought, biting his lip.

"Ellen's got a real nice room set up for you in the bigger part of the house... it's the guest bedroom next to Dean's." Cas closed his eyes.

Wonderful.

"Wonderful, thank you so much," he smiled, and looked out the window.

The rest of the car ride was pretty much just awkward silence, until Bobby flicked on the radio and some Hank Williams crap or something came on.

The ride was thankfully over after a half an hour, and Cas took a deep breath as they pulled in through a gravelly dirt road. It was a pretty nice place, with a big house that stretched around and stables in the back. Behind was the most beautiful sight; endless field as far as the eye could see, with mountains in the background.

"Pretty, huh?" Bobby smiled, and Cas actually gave a genuine smile back.

"It is."

Just then, a woman with brown hair and bootcut jeans came sauntering out. "Well, look what the cat dragged in!" she called, grinning, "Castiel! Boy, you get on over here and give me a hug."

Cas complied as Bobby got his things, walking over and letting Ellen wrap her arms around him. As he remembered, Ellen was always pretty nice to him... for that matter, so was Bobby, if not a little gruff sometimes. It was just-

"Dean!" Ellen called, "Come over here!" Cas swallowed thickly, and rubbed the back of his neck.

"What is it, Ellen?! I'm feeding the horses!" Cas heard from behind the house, and damn, that voice was something else in itself, obviously deeper than the last time they had seen each other, but startling so.

"That's MOM to you, boy, now get your ass over here and say hello!"

Someone soon came around the side of the house, wiping his dirty hands on a hand towel and dabbing it along his face, which was scowling from the sun. He was wearing a white tank top, tanned muscles evident under it and along his arms. He was wearing regular jeans on the bottom, and had on a beige cowboy hat.

Needless to say, Cas felt extremely overdressed in his jacket, and if you add ten times more heat from just looking at Dean, it was like wearing an oven... if that was possible.

"Oh..." Dean said, his expression changing when he saw Cas. "Hey," he mumbled, giving a nod, and Cas nodded back.

"Hi."

Cas just wished the ground would swallow him up. And preferably his evil, evil parents too for making him do this.

He had just about used every curse word he could think of in his mind to silently deal with this when Ellen clapped her hands together. "Well- it's just about that time," she said, smiling, and Bobby took off his hat, grinning.

"My favourite time."

Cas stood there. What were they talking about? Maybe it was some weird cowboy cult where they sacrificed one of their animals or something-

"Hello?" Dean was saying, waving in front of his face, "You comin' in for dinner, or what?"

"Oh..." Cas managed out, "D-dinner." Dean looked at him funny.

"Uh, yeah... what'd you think we meant, some cowboy cult sacrifice?"

Cas laughed. "No, no. That would be ridiculous." _Heh, what a stupid notion._

Dean frowned, and shook his head, turning and going into the house. Cas breathed out, rubbing his sweaty palms on his pants. He had to loosen up. It's not like these people were total strangers, they were friends of the family; good people. He knew them. He just needed to relax.

He went in as well, looking around. The place was definitely as nice as it looked on the outside; wood panelling, a TV on the wall, (huh, so not as primitive as he had thought). There were also hide rugs... and of course, because it wouldn't be a ranch if it didn't- the place had a cow skull hanging on the wall.

Ellen noticed Cas looking at it. "Dean's responsible for that one," she grinned proudly, slinging her arm around her son as he shrugged oh-so-modestly. "It's very nice," Cas deadpanned, hoping he sounded believable enough.

"What have we got for grub tonight, hun?" Bobby asked, kissing Ellen on the cheek.

"Well, since Cas is here for his first night, I thought I'd do somethin' fancy," she said, "Dean, set the table."

"I can help with that," Cas offered.

"I've got it," Dean said. Cas got up, reaching for some cutlery.

"I can help, really, I'm not a deadweight-"

"I said, I've got it," Dean muttered, his body a little more tense now as Cas got closer.

Ellen folded her arms. "Don't mind him. He's just like his father, gets grumpy as all hell at the end of the day." Bobby looked up from his beer and frowned at this.

But Cas wasn't stupid. He knew Dean remembered. And it was all just as weird as he'd imagined it to be. He sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

After dinner had been eaten and plates were left empty, everyone had loosened up just a little, helping conversation flow a little more easily now.

"And then, I told the bastard to get the hell off my property before I blasted him so full of shell he'd crap gunpowder," Bobby chuckled, and Ellen laughed, Cas joining in. "Now that's a good country welcome if I'd ever heard one," Bobby grinned, and Ellen turned to Cas.

"So, honey- you've heard us rattle on about how life is out here in Texas... How's it in San Diego?" Cas swallowed a bite of his baked potato.

"It's fine, thank you." He paused when Ellen raised an eyebrow.

"You can drop the formalities. If life is the pits out there, damn well say it, hun, we aren't gonna tell anyone on ya."

Cas smiled a little. "Well... it _is_ alright, in all honesty. I've been feeling a lot of pressure to get my work together for college, even though my parents insist it's okay to take some time off before... I just, sort of want to get it over with, you know?"

"That's exactly how I felt too," Ellen nodded, "I was gonna major in photography... a few months in, I knew it wasn't for me. So I dropped out, became a bartender... smartest thing I ever did," she grinned, kissing Bobby. Obviously they had met at the bar Ellen worked at then.

"How about your uh... recreation?" Bobby asked, taking a drink from his beer, "You seeing anyone nowadays?"

Dean looked up at this, Cas almost seeing a curiosity behind his eyes, which was soon diluted with cold indifference. "Um..." he murmured, "No, not right now."

Bobby hummed, and finished off the can of beer, looking around. "Well- I'll cut the pie."

Cas raised his eyebrows. He had to say, Ellen's cooking was amazing, and pie too? Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad. So what if Dean wanted to be a baby about that one time? It wasn't that big a deal anyway. Besides, Dean wasn't being directly rude or anything... just moody. Cas could enjoy himself otherwise.

Dean got up, going into the kitchen and sniffing. "Damn, I love your pie."

Cas quirked his head a little. Dean's regular speaking voice was so interesting; it was kind of rough, with a barely-there southern tinge to it in the way he pronounced things. Cas found it enthralling.

"No, you just love pie, period," Ellen corrected.

"But yours is the best," Dean added, and Ellen scoffed.

"Flattery will get you no bigger of a piece. Cas, you want ice cream with yours, baby?"

"Yes, thanks."

"You're very welcome."

A little later, Cas went outside. It was a nice night, just as nice as the day had been, with the heat still hanging around.

Then, as he looked over to the field, he saw Dean sitting on a horse.

It was a beautiful horse, white and shiny in the moonlight- Dean was riding it slowly, letting the mare clop around at its discretion. Cas watched Dean, who looked so at home and happy, letting his right hand stroke the right side of the horse's neck softly... It was weird, seeing his guard let down like this, and Cas almost felt like he was intruding on a very personal moment.

Just then, the blonde looked up, and Cas rounded the corner again quickly, praying Dean hadn't seen him...

He sucked in a breath. He hated how interested he was in Dean. But as much as he told himself they could ignore each other for the whole summer outside of basic lessons on how to do the chores and things, he wanted Dean to notice him... he wanted to keep noticing Dean...

He rubbed his eyes. He was too tired for this.

It was probably time to go check out his room for the night... and totally not think about how tomorrow would blow over, with his first day totally out of his comfort zone, getting down and dirty with not only his hands, but probably his mind as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will feature more Dean and his sexy cowboy muscles, when Cas and him begin to work together on the ranch :P


	3. Chapter 3

The way Cas woke up the next morning was less than pleasant.

First of all, it must be mentioned that Cas had forgotten he was _working_ here. Yes, it was lovely and they were hospitable and all that, but when they woke him up, they _woke him up._

Like, ringing cowbells outside his door and shouting names until he thought he would go deaf or explode. He'd take his mother's endless nagging to get up any day over this...

Second thing; Texas was a lot hotter than he had ever initially imagined, but at least it was dry heat. He was used to the cool air blowing off the San Diego harbour, chilling things a little, but here, the mountains made it almost impossible for any breeze to get through.

He groaned, attempting twice to untangle himself from his sheets until finally on the third try, he rolled out of bed with a thump and got free.

He rubbed his shoulder, and yawned. Then his eyes started to slowly open as he realized what state his body was in.

Well, what did he expect? Having wet dreams about his sexy acquaintance- well, co-worker technically, although that sounded weird- wasn't exactly something he could control.

So, in other words, his boner was merely a misunderstanding between his mind and his dick. See, his dick obviously didn't understand that Dean was not in the slightest interested in Cas, or it and like it for that matter, so really, putting all this effort into such dreams was unnecessary.

But it was there nonetheless, and now unavoidable.

 _Great,_ he thought as he dragged himself up, _First day on a ranch,_ _and I'm going to have to jerk off in someone else's shower..._ _that's... totally sanitary..._

He felt the urge crawling back to him to just fall back into bed and sleep until an actually earthly hour, but was rudely awakened.

"CAS?! YOU UP, BOY?!"

Cas nearly hit his head on the bedpost as he flew up.

"Yep, yes I am!" he called, and sighed. Did he even have any cool country clothing? No... of course not. He had a Black Veil Brides T Shirt, an ACDC T Shirt, an X Men T Shirt, and some plain tops with, of course, his letterman jacket.

Pfft. Like he'd be needing a jacket, ever.

-0-0-0-

A little later, when he was all washed up and everything had been, _taken care_ of, Cas joined Bobby and Dean outside on the porch.

"What took you so long, boy?" Bobby asked, frowning a little. Cas gulped. "I-I was taking a shower...?" Dean laughed, and Cas actually surprised himself with his own nerve of saying, "Something funny?"

Dean raised his eyebrows at him, and scoffed. "What, you think this is some spa, princess? Don't shower in the morning, 'else it's just a waste of water. You'll be plenty dirty by the end of the day."

Cas shifted uncomfortably. He felt it was completely normal to shower in the morning... obviously, they didn't.

"Sorry..." he mumbled. Dean just rolled his eyes and started walking, but Bobby put a hand on his shoulder.

"I've got some work to do up the ways here... Dean's gonna show you howta ride a horse."

Cas must have looked terrified, because Bobby chuckled a little. "Not bareback, ya idjit, with a saddle."

Cas relaxed a little, nodding with a smile. Then Bobby left him to go and do whatever his job of the day was.

He took a deep breath, and walked over. Maybe he could just be nice, and Dean would be nice back. He skimmed his mind for any topics of conversation he could initiate with Dean, any small talk that was acceptable...

He cleared his throat to the back of Dean, who was bent over filling a pale full of hay, and no, no Cas was not looking at Dean's ass, nope.

"Tell me about your aspirations," he said as casually as possible, then closed his eyes. _Yeah. That's super casual._

Dean stood up, and Cas looked up a bit to his green eyes. His brow was in that (permanent, Cas was beginning to believe) furrow that made it look like he was a model or something, and he squinted.

"I haven't given it much thought," he said, shrugging it off as he crossed over to dump the pale somewhere else.

"Oh," Cas said, nodding like what Dean had just said was the most profound statement ever. He waited, but Dean made no effort to reciprocate the conversation.

"Um... yeah," Cas said awkwardly, "Well... I want to draw. I mean, putting it that way, it sounds stupid, but um, I mean, an artist. I want to be one, that is."

He closed his eyes; he was babbling.

"That's cool," Dean nodded, and Cas almost breathed a sigh of relief. Dean hadn't insulted it. Dean hadn't insulted him.

He then frowned. Wait... why did he care again what Dean thought of his career choice?

"I used to sketch a couple things with my-" Dean started, then his eyes dropped. "Yeah... I used to sketch and things."

Cas nodded slowly, wondering what he was going to say. "That's awesome!" he said, "Maybe we could, I don't know, show each other some of our work sometime!"

Dean frowned at him, and Cas winced. "Or, y'know, not..."

He rocked on the balls of his feet.

"What about your family?" Cas asked, and was interested to see Dean visibly bristle. With body language like that, he knew he should end the topic there... but now he was curious.

"What about them?" Dean asked softly, and Cas looked at him. "Do you have any more family outside of Texas?"

Dean kept his eyes down. "My Aunt Jody lives in New York... we never see her much." There was something behind those eyes, something he wasn't telling Cas. But Cas wasn't going to push, not now at least.

"Cool," he said, and suddenly felt the urge to end this incredibly awkward exchange. So much for meaningful small talk.

Thankfully Dean did it for him when he turned around fully, motioning to the stables. "We're gonna pick you a horse, the one that seems best suited to your riding experience. Grab this bucket of oats, will ya? And follow me."

Dean left no time to catch up, so Cas was sighing as he picked up the oats, following paces behind Dean. He gazed at the horses; they were such beautiful animals... especially the black one.

"You ever been on horseback before?" Dean asked, and Cas shook his head. "Not once."

Dean nodded, then walked over to a smaller mare. "This is Honey. She'll be good for you."

Cas looked at Honey. "A pony?"

Dean looked offended. "Excuse me? She's a prize winning horse, know what you're talkin' about before you go making calls like that."

Cas just looked at the other horses. "What're their names?"

Dean looked over. "That big black one's Kenny, he's my dad's. Named after his favourite country singer, Kenny Rogers." Cas regarded the animal. It was stocky, and looked like a silent storm.

"Then there's Whiskey, that brown one. My mom's." Whiskey was lean and beautiful, and her coat was so silky looking, shining under the sun's rays.

Cas watched as Dean faltered at the last one, and turned back to petting his own white horse.

"What about that last one?" Cas asked, raising an eyebrow at the grey speckled one at the far stall.

Dean took a breath. "That one... Jess's her name... belonged to someone a few years ago."

Cas nodded, and went to help Dean with the saddle.

Their hands brushed momentarily, before Dean tensed again and broke contact.

"I'll help you up," he all but grumbled, and Cas tried to hold his breath as Dean slipped his hand under his thighs, lifting him up properly. Cas thought he felt Dean's leather glove brush his balls a little under his jeans, but he quickly willed the thought away, imagining how painful it would be riding a horse with even the slightest erection.

Dean mounted his horse, adjusting his hat.

"Come on, Baby," he whispered gently, and that same tranquility from the night before returned as he stroked the animal softly. It was as if his entire personality changed at the flip of a switch. "Let's go for a run, huh?" he murmured to his horse.

Before Cas knew it, Baby and Dean had left them in the dust without so much as a single instruction, and he let out a disbelieving noise of distress.

He patted Honey's neck. "Those jerks left us in the dust." The horse gave a little neigh in response, and Cas smiled. He could grow to like the little thing.

He mirrored what Dean had done earlier to go, and almost flew off as they galloped after the other two into the vast, open grass of the field.

"WAIT!" Cas called, but Dean couldn't hear them. He growled a little, and, hugging on for dear life, he urged the horse faster with his feet, closing his eyes and almost screaming.

He finally caught up, and Dean checked his watch.

"Huh... not bad. I didn't expect you to catch up before at least ten more minutes."

Cas frowned, but decided not to answer, mostly because he had so much residual dirt in his mouth now that he didn't particularly wish to show off.

"What're we doing first today, anyway?" he asked sourly.

"Well, I'll get you used to the saddle for a bit. Then we’ve got some actual chores to do."

Cas nodded, and watched as Dean dismounted.

“Alright… first of all, your feet are all wrong. You’ve gotta make sure you’ve got ‘em hooked in the saddle down there,” he demonstrated, guiding Cas’ feet to where they should be. “There. Now, you don’t hug the horse as you ride, it's not a friggin' teddy bear- hold here. To go faster, you lean forward while still holding on.”

This time, he demonstrated by holding Cas’ shoulders, and Cas almost breathed in sharply, before he controlled his breath and calmed down. As Dean adjusted his position, he faked indifference, trying to seem genuinely interested in how you sit in a saddle and not the rough hands running up his back.

“You got that?” Dean asked suddenly, and Cas jerked up. “Yes! Oh, yes, I understand completely."

He didn’t catch one word of what was said.

“Good. Now let’s head back over to the stables, we’ve got some cleaning to do.”

Cas gulped, and Dean got on Baby. “I’ll go slow on you this time,” he said, and Cas’ eyes slid shut. God, that sounded nice coming from Dean’s mouth...

“What’s your issue?” Dean sighed, noticing Cas' temporary fade-out,  and Cas opened his eyes again. Dean raised his eyebrows expectantly. “What, did you pull something?” Cas shook his head, snapping out of it.

“I’m just, um, tired.”

Dean smirked at this, setting his hat lower on his forehead.

“Get used to it, princess. Hours are killer.”

Cas wished Dean would stop calling him princess. But other than the glaring fact that he was _not_ used to country life, he kind of knew why he got that nickname. It was only a matter of time before that subject of conversation became unavoidable.

The two set off back slowly, and Cas got his horse up closer to Dean’s.

They kept riding for a while through the field, and finally, Dean said something.

“You still queer?”

_There it was._

Cas almost stopped the horse for a moment. He was surprised by the way Dean just brought it up like that… but he guessed there was no point sugar coating it.

“Well,” he replied quietly, “It’s not really something you can grow out of.”

Dean nodded slowly, looking out to the distant hills.

This got Cas recalling how they had initially met… the Christmas party.

_“Ellen, Bobby!” Hester had smiled, “Come on in, you guys. It’s so nice you two could make it out for the holidays.” “Well, it’s certainly nice bein’ around some water for a change,” Ellen had grinned, “Sweetie it’s good to see you.”_

_Everyone had said hellos, and Cas had come downstairs from where he and Anna had been baking sugar cookies. Becky, 10 back then, was sprawled out in front of the TV watching Rudolph._

_“This is Dean,” Ellen had introduced, “He’s about as old as Cas now. Been wantin’ you all to meet him for so long now!” Hester had smiled, and when she thought no one was looking, put her hand on Ellen’s shoulder, giving her a sympathetic squeeze. Cas didn’t understand why._

_Dean had nodded to them, smiling a little, and Cas could tell he was shy… not unlike himself around strangers. He also saw that Dean was wearing a dark green sweater, that really brought out his emerald eyes. Something about the boy made Cas shiver, a good, tingly shiver, but back then, he was still confused by these feelings, so he shook it off._

_He knew Ellen and Bobby well, so he came over to say hi, taking off his pink oven mitts. Dean had looked at the mitts and raised a questioning eyebrow, to which Cas had replied, “My favourite colour,” with a friendly smile._

_Dean had just looked down, saying nothing._

_They had gone to the living room, where they joined Becky in watching the movie, but neither were really paying attention._

_Dean was staring out the window, and Cas was sketching. Soon, Cas initiated a conversation, and they became a little better acquainted, but not much beyond middle names and favourite superheroes; Cas wanted to keep talking, because he loved the sound of Dean’s voice. It was deep for 14, but then again, all of Dean was bigger than Cas._

_After dinner, Anna, the ever responsible big sister she was, had let Dean and Cas drink from the adult’s bowl of eggnog, and soon, they were giggling out of their minds._

_They would just finish a bought of pointless laughter, then Cas would admire Dean… how his eyes sparkled, and he would count his freckles. Twelve… thirteen…_

_“Do I have something on my face?” Dean had smiled, and Cas looked into his eyes._

_“Um… yeah,” he said biting his lip, “We should, erm… get it off…”_

_Dean just nodded his head stupidly, and followed Cas wherever he was taking them._

_Soon, they came to the hall closet, and Dean stopped. “Why… why’re we going in here?” he laughed, and Cas loved the sound._

_The brunette just smiled. “Trust me… there’s a good reason.”_

_He had no idea what he was doing. He was just trusting his instinct, and his instinct was going wild with how hot he found Dean, which didn’t make sense, but what-the-hell-ever ‘cause it was almost Christmas and Cas was feeling good._

_“Close the door,” Cas had said, his heart pounding, and once it was dark inside, Dean found a seat._

_“What is it, Cas?”_

_Cas had then licked his lips once, and reached out, wrapping his arms around Dean and connecting their lips._

_He spent a few seconds tasting the sweet eggnog on Dean’s lips, breathing in his air, feeling the muscles contract in his back, but Dean inhaled sharply, breaking away quickly._

_“What the hell?!” he suddenly hissed._

_“_ _D-Dean,” Cas whispered back, “I…”_

_"Get the hell away from me!” Dean had said, a little louder, and scrambled up, pushing Cas down. Cas had blinked twice, confused and disoriented, and above all else, sick with guilt._

_“Wait… I’m… I’m sorry, Dean!”_

_“Stay away from me! You’re tryin’ to turn me gay, I won’t friggin’ stand for that shit.”_

_“Wha- Dean, I’m not-“_

_“I said, stay away from me, you queer,” Dean had growled, wiping his mouth furiously, and Cas had stopped following, close to tears. He locked himself in his room until the next day._

Cas sat atop his horse silently, the memory just as painful as going through it the first time.

Things had truly improved after that year, though... he had finally come to terms with who he was, and kissed another boy in the tenth grade, a British exchange student who sounded nice and wore low v-neck shirts. He had lost his virginity to that boy too, one night; evidently, the night before he went back to London...

But Cas had been okay with it, because for some reason, he didn't really feel that connected to the guy anyway. He had almost been an outlet for all his years of wanting to do something like that.  

Dean spoke again, bringing Cas' attention back.

“Yeah, well… I still don’t want any of that to get in the way. This is hard work... I don't want you complaining about gettin' dirty."

Cas rolled his eyes. "Dean, just because I prefer men over women, that doesn't make me incapable of _'gettin' dirty.'_ "

Dean didn't say anything else, an obvious tension still present between them, and they made it back to the stables.

"Can you feed the horses?" Dean asked, and Cas nodded, observing how easily Dean got off his horse. He had a feeling he just looked clumsy when he did it.

He went over to a gray pail labeled Oats, and picked it up. He wished he knew how to do this, but...

"How much do I give them?"

"Oh yeah," Dean sighed, and Cas tried not to wince at Dean's hidden undertones of annoyance. "Give 'em two scoops each, except for Honey, she's got Cushing's disease- it's not fatal or anything, not if you keep her on meds. She gets a special blend that I'll give her."

 _Great,_ Cas thought while looking at Honey, _I got the impaired one_.

But as he went over, he felt himself feeling bad for that thought... he stroked her nose softly, and smiled a little at the way she softly rammed her head into his stomach, making little noises.

"Hi," he said, "I don't think you and I have been properly acquainted, since we met quite abruptly under less than desirable circumstances. I'm Cas, the socially awkward Californian. Pleased to meet you."

To his surprise, Honey actually neighed back, and he laughed a little. "My thoughts exactly."

Dean came back with Honey's food, and after the horses had been fed, he started back toward the house. Cas just stood there, wondering if he should follow Dean everywhere he went. He might be going to the bathroom or something.

"You want lunch, or...?" Dean asked, and Cas realized what time it was; he followed promptly behind, his stomach growling. He watched Dean walk in front of him, the way his worn blue jeans hugged his perfect ass...

This was going to be a very long day.


	4. Chapter 4

That afternoon, after lunch of peanut butter sandwiches (and cheese cucumber for Cas, after they found out almost too late he was allergic to peanuts), Bobby mentioned he would be going into town to get some things for the next day. He had offered, if Cas and Dean wanted to come, to give them a ride, and Dean had nodded, saying he needed to pick up some stuff as well.

Cas had considered staying home with Ellen, since she had said she didn't need to go, but in the end, his curiosity won out; he wanted to see what the town was like. Probably filled with cowboys... and country people who gave you the hairy eye when you walked in if you were an outsider and looked out of place, people who looked like they wanted to butcher you with a sickle and-

"Cas?" Bobby asked, "You comin'?"

Cas licked over his lips, and nodded. His imagination would be the death of him, in more ways than one.

When they got to town, which wasn't that far off from the ranch, it wasn't at all what Cas expected. Yes, it was small, and yes, there weren't many people who _didn't_ look like cowboys, but there weren't any tumbleweeds blowing through, or scary bearded gunslingers. Unless, of course, you counted Bobby.

There was a pub, a convenience store, a gardening store (?!), a steakhouse, a Tex-Mex restaurant in addition, a liquor store, and a hardware place. Bobby detoured to the liquor store, while the two boys walked over to the convenience store.

When they walked into the place, it immediately made Cas think of Meg.

 _Boy, would she get a kick out of Dean_ , he suddenly smiled, _she'd probably think he was hot, and knowing her, she'd probably have a shot, too._ He chuckled softly, thinking of all the great conversations he would get to have with her about this summer when he got back. He expected his experiences would be far more eventful- Meg’s summer was probably consisting of almost getting arrested and perpetual groundings.

Dean brushed past Cas, and got a couple of magazines. Then he went up to the counter.

“Hey there, Darryl. How’s about some beef jerky and a pack of Reds?”

Cas frowned. He didn't know Dean smoked Marlboro Reds... he was sure he would have smelt it on him by now. Weird. He didn’t particularly have a thing for smokers in general, but at this point in time, he was currently imagining Dean, with his dirty, rough hands, flicking a lighter and making that chest rise and fall with a deep inhale… _oh, the late afternoon sun shining as he squinted through the smoke-_

His attention was distracted when he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"Hi there sugar, could you tell me where the milk is, please?" came a southern, female voice. Cas turned in surprise, and he looked down a few inches to see a blonde with a pink plaid top on and jeans as tight as stockings.

"Um... I-I'm sorry, I don't work here," Cas said, smiling apologetically. If he wasn't mistaken, he thought he saw her smirk a little.

"Oh, now, you just looked so friendly, I thought ya did," she winked back, squeezing his arm, and Cas knew she was flirting.

He backed up a little bit, trying to smile her away, but she just followed, moving closer to him.

"I'm Jo, by the way... what's your name, hun? I've never seen you around here before," she commented while eyeing him, and after a second, added, "But I sure as hell wish I had."

Cas gulped.

Just then, Dean caught sight of the two of them from where he was looking at some, and Cas expected him to start laughing and make some joke about him being gay to the woman, but he just looked a little irritated.

After a second, Cas began to get irritated himself, but he was currently fixated on Dean's expression while watching the two, which was a mix of annoyance and hesitance. The blonde was obviously too fixated on glaring at Jo to notice Cas was staring back.

He was curious as to what Dean was thinking... so just as a test, he decided to be a little friendly with her. "I like your... hat," he said awkwardly, and she laughed loudly, leading Dean to staring even more intensely. Cas was beginning to wonder....

Finally, the woman got a little too close, and Dean began to grind his teeth, chewing on his cheek from the inside. After one more advance, he got a strange twinge of something, as if he felt like he needed to protect or at least defend Cas. Or maybe it was something else…  Regardless of his motivations, he marched right up, surprised by his own actions.

Why did he care so much anyway? He didn't. Hardly.

"Joanna Beth," he said, crossing his arms, "What brings you up here?"

She raised an eyebrow at him. "Uh… grocery shopping. What kinda question is that?"

Dean just shrugged, then looked down, his knee bouncing a little. "Uh, you're barkin' up the wrong tree with this one."

"What do you mean?" Jo laughed.

"He's... shy," Dean offered with a bit of a stutter, and Cas snapped out of his curious trance, stepping in to elaborate.

"No offense, um, ma'am… but I don't seek out romantic affiliations with-"

Just then, Dean reached forward, and pulled him aside before he could go on.

"Keep your cakehole shut," he whispered, and turned back to Jo. "He means he doesn't seek out affiliations with skanks like you, Jo. Now leave him alone."

She scowled at him. "Fuck you, Winchester." But she left, and Dean breathed out, leaving Cas to wonder what had gone on between them before, and why Dean had silenced him.

"Dean, what-?" He started to ask, but he was once again cut off by Dean pulling him out the door, pinning him to the wall outside of the store.

Cas was startled to say the least, still unsure of what was happening; He didn't know whether to be turned on or frightened.

"De- what the hell?!" Cas finally exclaimed, and Dean leaned in close, so close to his face that Cas actually thought he was going to kiss him for a second. Then Dean looked around, and whispered, "Don't you tell anyone about who you are around here. It's not safe."

"You mean... don't tell anyone I'm gay?"

 "Yeah. Man, you tell the wrong person ‘round here, you could end up..." The blonde boy's eyes suddenly flickered down to Castiel's lips, then back up before Cas could even register. He then took a minute to pause, then looked away, faking indifference now. "Hurt or somethin'. At least, around here. It's probably a whole lot different in California."

 _Was that... wistfulness?_ Cas was obviously hallucinating. Suffering from heat stroke or something, because Dean just wasn't acting like... _Dean._

“Why do you care if I get beat up?” Cas asked, a little pulse of anger running through him, “You’re the one who’s been a jerk to me the whole time I’ve been here so far, so why are you trying to help me?”

Dean took a few steps back, wiping his hands on his jeans. “I… don’t care, I just… Bobby or Ellen, or probably both’ll ream me if I let somethin’ happen to you.”

Cas recognized Dean's attempt at pretending concern wasn't what just happened there, so he just played along. "Alright," he mumbled. He knew there was another reason, but whatever signs of that before were gone now.

Just then, Bobby appeared behind them, and there was a mild startle.

He blinked. “What, am I really that scary looking?" he asked, dressed in his cap and regular rancher clothes, and Dean shook his head.

"We just didn't see you there. Let's get home."

Cas sat in the back seat, silent the entire drive back and wishing he could jam his ears with his earbuds instead of listening to 'Kiss My Country Ass' by Blake Shelton. 

On the way back, it started to rain. Not very much, just a little.

Then a lot.

Then, more than a lot- a downpour.

They made it just in time to avoid getting soaked to the bone, and thankfully, Ellen already had a fire going inside when they reached the ranch.

"Damn rain," Bobby grumbled, "There's another half day of work gone to hell."

 "You'll make up for it tomorrow," Ellen assured, kissing his bearded cheek, and he glared out the window.

"Yeah... if I can surf my way through this."

Dean was also watching the rainfall, but his mind seemed preoccupied. Over the time he had been there, he had found himself wising more than once to know what was inside his head.

Cas sat down on the sofa, thinking.

"Are the horses alright?" he asked, and the minute he asked it, he knew it was a stupid question. Of course they were; they had stables.

"Oh, yeah, sweetie," Ellen told him, "They got shelter and all that. Honey scares a little easily, yeah, but she's fine, don't worry yourself on about it."

Cas nodded, and Dean went to the kitchen, grabbing himself a beer. He looked as if he was about to offer Cas one, but at the last minute, decided not to.

Dean just spent the rest of the day sitting and staring out the window, and Cas let his mind wander. He started to think about what it would be like to peel back all those layers - figuratively and literally- and find out who Dean really was.

He couldn't seriously be _this_ boring. He was either keeping some big secret about himself under wraps, or he's genuinely moody about Cas being around. Cas hoped it was the first one, although the second one would be easier.

Darkness fell, and Dean finally came to sit by the fire. Bobby and Ellen had gone to bed, and Cas was surprised Dean had made the move.

Cas looked at the other boy, watching how his features glowed in the firelight. He was, no doubt, the most beautiful person Cas had ever seen before. He wanted to kiss every freckle on his face... he wanted to find all the other places he had freckles, and kiss those too.

Cas opened his mouth, hoping Dean hadn't noticed him staring.

"Dean?" He asked softly, and Dean replied with a turn of his head, eyes meeting Cas'. Cas was taken aback once again... his eyes were spectacularly green.

"Can I ask you something?"

 Dean’s eyes softened a little. "Mhm, go ahead."

"How long have you been...”

He wanted to ask Dean so many things… but he had to start out slow, if he ever wanted to crack this wall. “...Been smoking for?"

Dean’s expression didn't change for a while as he turned back again, and eventually, he clenched his jaw, looking down as he chuckled.

"I don't smoke."

Cas tilted his head, squinting. "But... what about the Marlboros?"

 "Those don't mean a damn thing. I just like the feel of one between my lips."

Cas didn't know what to make of that statement.

"W-well... how very Augustus Waters of you," Cas smiled a little, then when Dean gave him a blank stare, he explained, "it's a book... you know, those things with lots of pages?"

Cas meant it as a joke, but Dean looked down. "I know what a book is, you know. I work on a farm, yeah, but I'm not some stupid fuck who can't read or write."

"I'm sorry," Cas said, "I didn't mean to..." Dean nodded, turning away again.

"Nah, it's okay... I sound like a hillbilly, might as well be one, right?" he smirked, and Cas blushed.

"I never told you... but I want to go to college too," Dean murmured, almost too quietly, and Cas leaned forward a little.

"Yeah? Where?"

Dean shrugged. "God, I don't know. Anywhere that'll accept me. I don't even know what to study, but... I guess I don't want to spend the rest of my life as a farmer."

Cas nodded, eyes drifting up to the cow skull hanging on the wall to keep his field of sight occupied.

"Don't get me wrong, I mean, I love my folks and I love the work- hell, look at me, I was born for this shit! But not forever. I can't stay like this forever."

Cas was silent, realizing that this was the most Dean had ever opened up to him. Maybe today at the convenience store really broke some ice around them. Just maybe.

"I completely understand," Cas sighed, "My family is very loving, but sometimes, too much so. Going to college will be my way of... breaking free. Snipping my wings, as it were," he tried, and Dean huffed a laugh.

"I guess everyone's gotta do that at some point. I just don't know when I'll get a real go at life."

The conversation died down, and Cas watched Dean's blonde hair turn orangey golden in the light of the fireplace, and he wanted so badly to just steal those lips in a kiss like when they were both 14. He wanted to do it _right_ this time, prove to Dean that maybe they could be together.

He wanted to... he really did... and it would be a complete lie to say Castiel wasn't licking his lips, on the verge of asking for something else. But then fate intervened.

"Well... I'm gonna head to bed," Dean said, rubbing his thighs, "I'll, uh... see you tomorrow. Bright and early, huh?" After a long pause, and gaze lingering over, Dean went to his room.

So much for that. Not that it would've happened anyway.

Cas yawned, getting up and walking to his room. He should be kicking himself for thinking that way; Dean was only starting to act somewhat nicely toward him, why would he ruin it now?

He pulled off his jeans, snapping the elastic of the grey panties he had on underneath. The bed looked so inviting, and he couldn't wait to sink into it.

As he did, and shut his eyes in preparation for a blissful sleep, he sighed happily.

And then...

_Oh god. Was that...?_

Cas' eyes blew wide open, and he stilled his breathing for a second.

" _Ungh... oh, god, yes..."_

Cas screwed his eyes shut, and groaned. Dean was jacking off, probably to those porno magazines he got earlier. What was it? Busty Something-or-other... Cas found himself wishing for the first time in his life that he had boobs, since Dean seemed to like them so much.

What didn't help this whole thing any more was that Dean's room was right next to Castiel's... and the noises Dean was making were making Cas harder and harder.

 _Well,_ Cas thought, _it's his own room... and he is a teenage boy, like me... but..._

_Ugh! It should be illegal to make noises like that!_

He grabbed a pillow, and stuffed it over his ears, not before wriggling around and adjusting himself so that he was on his side. Then he flipped over again, wondering if it would be better to sleep on his stomach, but figured out that that just hurt his now aching dick.

Cas wanted to get up right away to take a cool shower, but he was just too damn tired. It'll probably go away in his sleep. _Unless the good 'ol sandman decides to come along with a great old wet dream again!_ Cas thought sarcastically, _because that turned out so well the last time._

Dean moaned again, the bed in the next room creaking softly in rhythmic intervals. This was torture.

If only the rain was loud enough to cover the moans, and powerful enough to cover his irrefutable embarrassment.

Pillows would suffice for now, until Cas had fallen asleep to the thought of an open sky of stars, and laying under them with Dean.


	5. Chapter 5

The next day, Cas didn't wake up until 10:00 AM, which, in itself, was strange. On top of that, he hadn't been woken yet by banging pots and pans by his doors or Bobby's surly wake-up call at 6 in the morning, which was also weird. Then he looked out the window, and he knew why.

After that, eleven days of solid rain went by, along with a full blown Texas lightning storm. Now, Cas had never experienced a storm like that, so he had no idea what real fear was like until the first bolt cracked.

Castiel was sort of bummed about the whole rain thing, since he had just started warming up to his horse and learning about ranch work, but at least it meant he could actually sleep well and take proper morning showers- provided all the hot water was still there after Bobby hypocritically took one each AM.

He went out to the living room, where Dean was reading, Cas was working on a sketch for his portfolio, and Ellen was polishing her guns. Bobby had just emerged from the shower, and steam filled the hallway.

“Balls... damn rain's still goin',” the man complained, shaking his head as he looked out the window, “The whole farm’ll be mud by the time this clears up.”

Dean grunted in response, and Ellen looked up. “Well, weather says it should clear in the next few days or so.”

“I don’t put a whole hell of a lot of stock into what those idjits say,” Bobby scoffed, and Cas walked over to where Dean was.

“What are you reading?” he asked.

Dean looked up, and Cas almost smiled at how pleased  Dean looked that Cas noticed. Then the crinkle around his eyes kind of dropped.

“Uh… y’know, just whatever was lyin’ around.”

Cas checked the cover of the book. The DaVinci Code.

“Wow,” Cas said, noting how far Dean was into it, “That’s a really good book. When did you start it?”

Dean sniffed a little, and flipped through the pages. “Last night.”

 _After he jerked off,_ Cas thought, then he cleared his throat, refusing to think about that.

Thinking of how many pages that must be, he raised his eyebrows. Maybe he was underestimating Dean.

“Like I said,” Dean smirked, “I ain’t stupid.” Cas nodded slowly.

After a pause, where he looked as if he were contemplating something big, Dean put the book face down on the table, and turned. “Come with me… I wanna show you something.”

Cas was confused as to what Dean could possibly wish to show him, but he promptly followed the blonde boy out the door.

Before they went out, Dean had the smart idea to grab a jacket, which Cas didn’t, so he ended up getting pelted. It didn’t really matter, though; they reached their destination in a few seconds, crossing over to the big barn.

Cas had never actually been in here yet... he didn't have cause to. There were no animals inside, only an empty, dusty wooden structure with a few barrels of old hay. It smelt a little like mothballs and damp wood, but Cas felt nice in the spacious area for some reason… like it was homey or something.

“Up here,” Dean called down, and Cas realized he had been staring at ground level. He quickly followed Dean up a small ladder, which tipped precariously as he set foot on it, and they made it to the loft of the barn, which was covered in a thin level of dry hay. There was one wet patch by the corner where the rain had been leaking in, but other than that, it was a fairly well put together roof.

“Why are we up here?” Cas asked, wondering if the second floor could hold both of their weights.

“I’m _getting_ there,” Dean grumbled, and Cas shut his mouth as Dean sifted through the hay and under a board as he searched for something.

Finally, out of a mess of wrappers and some old cigarette boxes, he pulled out a couple of ratty old notebooks- ones that looked as if they hadn’t surfaced in years. This was apparently true, as Dean explained.

“These are some of my old stories,” he said, blushing as he said the word ‘ _stories_ ’. “They’re real crappy, and they suck and stuff, but… I just used to come out here, to the barn up here, and… well, write, I guess.”

Cas looked searchingly at Dean and waited for him to go on.

“I don't do it anymore, though. Back then, it was something for me to do,” Dean mumbled, “When I needed to get away from shit. Not be myself for a little while.”

Cas nodded. He completely understood; that’s how he was with his drawing. He just didn’t know what Dean meant relative to his own life.

“May I… see them?” Cas asked, and Dean looked back at him, those beautiful green orbs boring into Cas’ blue ones.

“Yeah, sure… you won’t be missin’ anything if you don’t though…” he muttered, and Cas had to smirk. He had never seen Dean so bashful or… humble, to be honest.

He took one journal in hand, and read a few lines. Then he read a few more, because _holy crap, these were good!_

“Dean…” Cas started, eyes widening.

“I know, they’re stupid,” Dean said quickly, rubbing the back of his neck, “I don’t know why I wanted to show you, I just… I just like it in here, and…”

Cas stopped him. “Dean, these are amazing. From what I’ve read… you’re a very talented writer.”

Dean closed his mouth, as if in shock, and then he looked up at Cas again. “They’re… really?”

Cas grinned. “Yes, they’re wonderful, Dean!”

Dean blushed again, and they looked at each other.

“Thanks,” the other boy almost whispered, and god help him, Cas’ gaze flickered down to Dean’s lips. It had been a long time since they were this close, and Cas remembered how the last time ended, and he knew he should keep as far away from Dean as possible, but his lips were so plump and pink and wet and he felt as if he was thinking in one long stream of consciousness which he probably was but he didn’t care because _Dean_ …

“Yeah?” Dean asked softly, and Cas realized he had said his name out loud.

“I…” Cas replied quietly, unable to tear his eyes away, “I’m…”

“Cas,” Dean whispered back, his eyebrows lifting desperately, as if he wanted to do a million things at once but just couldn’t. “Mmm…” he closed his lips, a soft sound escaping them.

Cas felt trapped. He didn’t know what to do, and he felt the ache in him. He wanted to _touch,_ he wanted Dean to touch his face, he wanted to see Dean’s body, he wanted everything from him, things he couldn’t have.

“Castiel,” Dean repeated, leaning closer, “That time… in the closet…”

Cas watched Dean’s eyes close, and then Cas was almost reaching for him.

“Yes?” Cas mumbled, feeling his heart hammer in his chest. _This wasn’t happening… this wasn’t happening… was it?_

“It was…” Dean muttered, eyelashes batting. He was too beautiful for his own good, yet too rugged and too _sexy,_ and Cas was sure he was hard by now- again.

“It,” Dean swallowed, then things seemed to come to a halt. Dean seemed to realize what was happening, and the reaction was almost immediate as he pulled his head back, moving away from Cas.

 _No_ , Cas thought, exhaling through his nose. _No no no, stay..._

“We should get back,” Dean mumbled, not bothering to take the ladder and just hopping down.

Cas fell onto his back, not caring if his head hit the wood. _Shit_. It _didn’t_ happen.

It didn’t fucking happen and now he wasn’t sure of anything anymore. He didn’t know if he should be embarrassed or angry or disappointed or horny or ALL of the above. It was just so confusing, and teasing, and the weirdest thought came to him. He wished he had kept that British guy’s number, because all of this had him wishing for an actual relationship.

Obviously that wasn’t possible with Dean.

-0-0-0-

After their… _whatever that was_ , in the barn, nothing really changed that day as Cas expected it to. Dean didn’t bring it up, but he didn’t pull back as Cas also thought he would, which was nice for a change.

He just went back and sat down. Ellen looked up, and gazed between the two of them, but all she did was ask Cas if he would like some milk or juice or beer. Cas settled for making himself tea.

“I wish _Bobby_ would drink more tea,” Ellen said, frowning, “That much alcohol can’t be good for him. For anyone."

“I'm not a drunk, y'know! And I ain’t about to start drinkin’ some leaf water,” Bobby growled from his chair, “No offense, Cas.”

Cas laughed into his teacup. “None taken, sir.”

“Call me Bobby,” he said, “I ain’t in the marines, like my little brother.”

Cas nodded once, holding his smile.

That night, he went to bed, and hoped Dean would keep quiet, not just because he didn’t feel like calming his dick but also because he was legitimately tired.

His hopes of that were dashed when he heard moaning again. Quiet moaning, that got more and more desperate.

“ _Oh…”_   he heard, and he frowned.

“ _God, yes…”_

Seriously... didn't Dean know how thin the walls were?!

Cas tried to ignore it again, but this time, after all this pent up frustration that day, he couldn’t help it. Almost subconsciously, he began to deftly palm himself through his pajama pants, unable to help the forming hard on he had from hearing the noises.

 He could imagine Dean spread out on his bed, half naked or, dare he imagine it- _fully_ naked, stroking his hard cock and using the dribbling pre-come to slick himself up. Cas bet Dean was thick… he bet Dean was long, and huge, and _ohgod_ he wanted Dean in him so bad.

"Dean,” he mumbled in a low, gravelly voice, feeling his cock jump. He was too lazy to dig through his bag for the lube he brought, therefore too lazy to finger himself, so he just stroked himself in time with the obscene groans he heard from the room next to him, and imagined Dean was making those noises with him, while fucking him.

His mind wandered to Dean's physique. He loved how _manly_ Dean was, with his manly hands and his virile tendencies and his fucking face and his muscles, god…

He never knew he had a cowboy kink until he heard Dean moaning _Fuck_... in his southern twang. It made him groan and throb like he had never before.

With a tug of his cock and a slide of his thumb over his slit, he was ready to come, and everything went quiet for a second.

Then he heard Dean moan a name out… but it wasn't that Jo girl's like he thought, or some faceless woman... he couldn’t believe whose it was.

“Dammit, _Cas!_ ”

Castiel’s eyes flew open, and with a muffled gasp he came hard and hot over his fist and fingers at the sound of Dean crying his name in that wrecked, needy voice.

“Holy fuck,” he breathed, hearing the creaking in the room next door stop.

He didn't sleep well that night.

-0-0-0-

He couldn’t talk to Dean the next day hardly at all. He felt really bad, since they had opened up a little around each other lately, but he just couldn’t. Not after last night.

He wondered if he heard it wrong… maybe Dean had said ‘Cassie’ or something... wasn't there a model named Cassie Robinson?

But he just kept hearing it over and over again in his mind, and he floated through the day in a sort of trance. He had no idea what to do about it, so he figured ignoring it was a start.

 Late afternoon, everyone was in the living room again due to the rain, and Cas was back sketching to clear his head. It was getting a little clearer outside, but not much.

Ellen put a hand on his shoulder. “Hon, do you want to come out and feed the horses with me?”

Cas sighed. He kept getting asked to go out into the rain with people lately, and the last time was extremely confusing for him, but he nodded anyway. He wanted to help, after all, and maybe this would take his mind off of… whatever he had heard last night. Plus, he was sure Ellen wasn't going to try and fucking kiss him like Dean almost did.

Dean watched them as they left out the back door.

They walked out to the stables, and Ellen offered Cas a rain poncho which he politely declined. He was drenched enough already that it didn’t matter anymore.

“He can be a real dick, can’t he?” she suddenly asked.

Cas turned, wondering if she meant Dean or Bobby, but by the look in her eyes, he could tell she meant Dean.

Cas shrugged a little, not wanting to seem rude for agreeing.

“My words, not yours,” Ellen smiled, sensing Cas’ reluctance to admit it. “Now, I don’t want to be makin’ up excuses for the boy, but he’s been through some tough times. S’much as I complain about him and tease him, I know why he’s like that.”

Cas continued to listen.

“Some time ago,” she started, biting her bottom lip as she patted her horse’s mane, “Dean’s-“

“HONEY!” they heard from the house, “MAIL’S HERE! WE GOT SOMETHIN’ FROM RUFUS!”

Ellen sighed, and smiled a little, patting Cas on the shoulder. “Alright. We’ll talk later, baby.”

Cas wanted to curse out every fate that had kept him from something today, which seemed to be everything.

When they got back in, Bobby was opening a letter.

“’Ol Rufus needs _my_ help for a change,” he mused, reading it over, “Oh. Seems he’s got a problem with his cattle herd. Needs a few extra after some got away in the storm… huh.”

Ellen got herself a beer, and cracked it open as she sat down. “Well, we sendin’ some over his way then?”

Bobby shrugged. “Guy’s been there for me too many times. I owe it to him.”

Ellen nodded, and Bobby suddenly got an idea.

“Aw, hell!” he grinned, “We got you two, don’t we?!” He looked between Cas and Dean.

“H-Huh? I’m sorry, what?” Dean asked, inclining his head toward his father.

“Life savers, the both of you are,” Bobby smiled contentedly, “We’ll send you two out on a cattle drive. Should only take a few days or so… but Dean can show Cas the ropes, huh?”

Ellen nodded, smiling as well.

Dean stuttered, and so did Cas. Cas felt as if his stomach had dropped all the way to freaking hell.

“Let’s pray the weather’s right this time,” Bobby interjected, before the two could protest against the trip, “You’ll need a good start to get there.”

Cas groaned. A week long cattle drive with Dean? After last night?!

_Screwed. So, so screwed._

Unfortunately, he wished he was literally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh ho ho! Big stuff's happening next chapter, because, well... Cas and Dean alone for a week? :O


	6. Chapter 6

The thought of being gone for a week prompted Cas to take the little time he had left before him and Dean departed to call his friends and family. He only just realized he hadn't talked to them at all since he'd gotten to Texas, and he most definitely hadn't checked his email, so he was sure his parents were awaiting a phone call.

Turns out the Winchesters did have a phone, which was a dramatic presumption on Cas' part that they initially didn't... but who could blame his apprehension?

He decided to call Meg first, since she would make him smile before having to endure Chuck and Hester.

He let it ring a few times, then just as hope was almost lost, he heard someone answer.

"Hello?"

It didn't sound like her.

"Hi, this is Cas. Is Meg there?"

There was a pause. "She's grounded right now, Castiel." The voice sounded unimpressed.

Cas had to stifle a laugh, and wondered what the hell she had done now.

"Sorry, um... I'm just on vacation, and don't have very long to talk. Can I just have a few quick words, ma'am?"

There was a sigh, and the phone shuffled over to his friend.

"Clarence! Having fun shooting the shit in hicktown?"

Cas balked. "How do you know I'm in Texas?"

He could almost hear his best friend's smirk. "I saw your parents at the store last week. Yeah, the place hired me back, but only because I made a… deal of sorts, with my boss."

Cas narrowed his eyes, and was about to ask her to elaborate, but Meg hopped onto the next topic too quickly.

"So! Got any nookie yet?"

Cas sighed, rolling his eyes. Of course that would be her first inquiry.

"No... not really..."

" _Not really_?" she asked, raising her eyebrow, "Huh. Do tell."

"Meg, first of all," he groaned, checking around him to make sure he was alone, "if I bang someone, you would not be hearing about the 'juicy details,' as you call them-"

"I'm hurt," she mocked.

"-And even if I haven't, you still won't be hearing about him."

"Oh! Him? Who's this _him_?"

Crap. Cas knew he blew it, and there was no going back now.

"Ugh... fine. There’s this guy, I don’t know if you remember-"

"Dean Winchester? The one who kicked you out of the closet all those years ago?"

Cas stuttered. "How much did my parents tell you?!"

"Enough," the brunette girl muttered, shoving food into her mouth.

"Well... yeah, Dean. He's..." Cas sighed, leaning against the wall, and checked again to doubly make sure no one was around listening, "He's just super hot, okay? And I may have heard him... um... whacking off last night."

He felt his cheeks get hot at the admission, and he heard Meg snort. "Holy shit! Did you go in there and beg him to fuck you after that?!"

"What? No!"

"Ugh, Clarence. Do I need to tell you how to do everything?"

" _MEG, OFF THE PHONE! YOU'RE GROUNDED, REMEMBER_?!"

"One Twinkie!" she shouted back sourly, "I stole ONE TWINKIE!" She huffed, and said, "Sorry, hot wings-“

Cas never could understand why she called him that.

“-Guess I gotta go- but do yourself a favour and jump into bed with him before you're reduced to a whiny, needy, pathetic little bi-"

"MEG!"

"I'M COMING!" she screeched, and came back on the phone. "One more year," she growled, "God damn, I can't wait until college."

"Bye," Cas smirked, and Meg signed off with a goodbye as well.

The call had him thinking about what she said, but he feared he was already becoming the whiny, needy pathetic guy she had described. The problem was, he was too scared to do anything about it, after last time and all.

Then he thought about the barn… what if that meant something? _Well, it if meant something, don’t you think it would’ve ended differently?_ He thought to himself, then clenched his jaw.

He called his parents next, and his mother picked up on the second ring.

"Sweetie! How are you?!"

"Fine, thanks. Uh… how are you and dad? And Becky and Anna, how are they?"

"Well, Becky's basically been up in her room the entire summer, watching that horror show... I can't for the life of me remember what it's called..."

"Supernormal!" Cas heard Becky say in the background, and he laughed as his mom corrected herself.

"Yes, that's it. And Anna's been away at college, so we haven't seen her much. She did tell us to pass on a hello to you though, and told us to tell you she wants a text."

"Will do," Cas replied.

"Honey!" his mom yelled, holding the phone away from her ear, "Come say hello to Cas!"

"I'm just in the middle of a paragraph, baby, just one more second-"

" _Come say hello, Chuck_!!"

Cas could imagine Chuck jumping out of his skin at that yell, and he heard his dad take the phone. "Hey, son!"

Cas smiled a little. "Hello, father. How have you been?"

"Uh, fine thanks. Working on a sequel. If your mother would ever let me finish it,” he mumbled.

"I heard that!" Hester called, and Chuck winced.

Cas laughed. "Well, I'm off on a cattle drive for a week, so I won't be able to talk."

"Ooh, cattle drive. That sounds fun. Well, you enjoy yourself, and um... don't get... trampled?" Chuck tried, and Cas stifled a giggle. "Thanks, dad. I’ll try not to."

After some quick goodbyes, Becky grabbed the phone before they could hang up.

"So, have you rode him yet?"

"Becky, I have to go-"

"Yee haw!"

"I'm leaving now..."

"Ride 'em cowboy!"

"GOODBYE, BECKY."

"Giddya-" _Beep._

Dean was putting some things together for the trip, and Bobby was talking to him. Apparently Ellen was getting the horses ready. Dean had his infamous cowboy hat on, with faded jeans and a plaid shirt unbuttoned over his white tank top. Cas could see the curve and definition of his pectorals under the flimsy top, and he could even make out Dean’s nipples in the light.

_He just wanted to run his tongue over them until Dean moaned his name again…_

"Honey should be fine to ride," Bobby commented when he saw Cas, "Just take it easy on her, huh?"

"Of course," Cas nodded, gulping. Dean handed him a belt, a saddle, and canteen. He looked particularly weary, and his expression was exactly how Cas felt.

“Why don’t you and Cas go?” Dean suddenly asked. Bobby frowned. “I ain’t spending a week with no teenager! Again, no offense, Cas.”

Cas feigned a smile. “Still none taken.”

Dean almost growled, but then he shook his head, taking a swig from the canteen he was holding.

“Alright,” he murmured, “Let’s get on the road.”

Cas tried not to admire his biceps as he turned and went out the door. The teenage boy picked up the rest of the bags, and followed out into the blazing summer heat.

Before they left, once they had mounted and everything, Ellen sent a wave their way, and Cas took a breath, steeling himself.

This would be fun. Really.

-0-0-0-

At least the weather had cleared a little as they got the cows together. That gave Cas a false sense of hope that this would be easy, but Dean quickly assured him that was _not_ the case. Yes, cattle drives could be nice at nighttime, when you stopped to take a break and sleep under the stars, but only because the air was cooler once the sun went down. They would be spending a week doing gruelling work.

“Lemme dumb it down for ya,” Dean explained, “Your ass is gonna hurt real bad by the time we get back.”

Cas fought back a smile at that, choosing to imagine Dean was saying that to him for a different reason. Then he had to listen in earnest when Dean was explaining their route.

“Alright, so we’re taking the Goodnight Loving Trail, or part of it, anyway.” Cas’ eyes widened at the name, but pretended to be indifferent to it.

“We’re starting out from Fort Belknap, and after takin’ a shortcut across the good ‘ol Staked Plains, we’re gonna make our way up the Pecos River and follow it until we get to Horsehead Crossing, where Rufus lives. Should be there in and around seven days, if we haul ass.”

Cas looked around at all their supplies, then nodded. “You seem to know a lot about this route.”

Dean shrugged. “This isn’t my first time ridin’ this way. Rufus is a good buddy of ours, and if he needs something, I’m usually the delivery man.”

Cas nodded again, sure now that Dean knew what he was doing; the very thought about being stranded in Texas on something called the ‘Staked Plains’ was very frightening, and he wanted to be certain they weren’t going to get lost.

“Dude,” Dean said, and Cas looked up, “We’ll be fine. Trust me. Weather looks good, we’ve got all the stuff we need; just a matter of getting there now.”

“Okay,” Cas said, and sighed, placing the saddle on Honey’s back. The smaller horse gave a happy little noise, and Cas almost felt bad for what they were about to put the animals through.

But it was only a cattle drive, and he was sure the horses had been through a lot longer ones, many times before.

“Okay, all saddled up… everything’s ready. Capiche on the route?” Dean asked, raising his eyebrows, and Cas nodded.

“Yeah, I capiche.”

Dean frowned a little at his answer, but they both mounted, Cas a little wobbly this time, but he managed. Dean mumbled some hushed words in his horse’s ear, and the beautiful white mare shook its mane a little before setting off. Cas smiled, and tried gently nudging Honey on the sides to get her going.

“Come on,” he tried, but the horse wouldn’t budge. “Please,” Cas almost whined, watching Dean get further and further ahead. Déjà vu, anyone?

Suddenly, as he nudged one more time, the horse flew forward, galloping at full speed.

“AAAAHHH!” he shouted, holding on as Honey breezed past Baby, who was trotting nicely. Dean tossed his head back and laughed, leaving Cas to scowl, still holding on.

“Don’t just s-s-sit there and l-l-laugh you assb-b-butt, help me!” Cas called, voice wavering as he bumped along. Dean sighed, and urged Baby forward to pick up speed, veering off to round Honey back gently. The other horse stopped compliantly.

“I see you still haven’t improved since the first time you tried that.”

“Fucking hell. That was so fucking scary,” Cas muttered, wiping his forehead, and Dean just couldn’t help it. He burst into laughter again, and Cas narrowed his eyes at him before also erupting into giggles, gummy laughter unable to be repressed.

“God… okay,” Dean said, shaking his head to stop laughing, “Just… chill, okay?”

Cas adjusted himself, and followed Dean’s direction of gently coaxing the horse into a steady trot.

“Oh… one more thing,” Dean said, reaching into a sack, “Here. If you’re gonna go on a cattle drive, you can’t survive without this thing.”

He then tossed back a cowboy hat, and Cas opened his mouth a little. “Really?” He wanted to take the hat, but he felt as if he would be out of place.

“Uh… yeah,” Dean frowned, and Cas took it reluctantly, placing it on his head. He wondered what the hell he looked like… probably stupid, stupid like wearing a high school letterman in Texas during the summer.

One person had to ride at the back, and one had to ride at the front, both leading and herding the cattle with them. Dean took the front, Cas took the back, and since they had a relatively small group of cattle they were herding, there wasn’t a big gap between the two... they could still hear each other.

Not that they were taking advantage of this luxury of course; Dean hadn’t said a word since they really got on their way, and Cas didn’t exactly feel like chatting either.

Eventually, the sun began to set, and Cas was surprised the time had gone by so quickly. If this is how the rest of the week would go, he was going to get bored really fast… but uneventful circumstances were better than a full blown fight between them, whatever the cause may be, he guessed. Plus, he was still feeling awkward around Dean.

“Let’s set up camp for the night,” Dean said, and Cas shrugged his jacket on from his bag.

“Does it get very cold at night?” the brunette asked, and Dean shook his head. “Not particularly, no. Unless we get a strong North wind chasin’ our tails, then, well, a little.”

Cas got off Honey, and Dean took the liberty of saddling her up with Baby, leading the two off to stand together as he tied them to a tree.

“There won’t be many trees where we’re heading,” Dean commented as he tied a double knot, “So soak up the shade while you still can.”

Cas looked around at the vast expanse of land, and realized that this was even worse than close quarters. This was no-one-else-to-bother-us quarters, like fucking _Brokeback Mountain_ quarters! Hadn’t Becky forced him to watch that movie last year?! This was a god damn re-enactment! He had no idea how they were going to avoid the inevitable talk…

So he initiated it as Dean set up a fire pit.

“Dean,” Cas started nervously, sitting down next to him.

“Yeah?” the other boy replied, twisting the cap off of a bottle of whiskey to pour it into the pit.

Cas was determined not to hint at all at overhearing him two nights ago. This was strictly about the unresolved question hanging in the air about the almost kiss; Cas really had to get it off of his chest.

“Um… what happened in the barn…”

Cas expected Dean to take it badly, and wasn’t surprised when he saw him bristle. He also witnessed his jaw clench, and it was turning him on beyond belief but _back to the talk._

“I’m sorry if I… um,” Cas searched for words, “If I made you uncomfortable… or anything… I don’t wish to repeat-“

“Fuck, Cas,” Dean interrupted, running a hand through his hair as he dropped the pit lighter to the ground. Cas stopped abruptly.

“Don’t think everything is your fault, alright? Just… you can’t help who you are.” His green eyes were downcast as he poked a stick at the fire, and they looked ridden with… something.

“Dean, it was my fault at that party!” Cas said, letting out an exasperated breath, “I kissed _you_ , remember!”

“Yeah, well…” Dean sighed, but he couldn’t finish his sentence. His face softened a little, and he rubbed his arm.

“So in the barn,” Cas swallowed, “Your…”

_Your eyes were beautiful. Your freckles were countable. Your lips were kissable. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to-_

But he couldn’t bring himself to do it anymore. He couldn’t actually say out loud, ‘ _You almost kissed me_.’ Because that would make it real.

“Your stories were captivating.”

Dean looked confused by the change of topic, but obviously relieved.

 “Thanks,” he eventually mumbled, and Cas laid back against the log behind them. This was a safe topic, and he wanted to get to know Dean more anyway.

“Have you always been partial to westerns?”

Dean laid back as well, placing his hat over his chest.

“I guess. I grew up watching all the classics- you know, with Eastwood?”

Cas smiled. “Yeah. To be honest, that’s what I thought everyone in Texas was like.”

“What, you thought we were _all_ cowboys? Texas is a big fuckin’ state, man!” Dean laughed.

“Come on, Dean, I’d only ever been out of California once, and it was to go to Vegas!”

“You went to Vegas?”

“Yes, when I turned twelve,” Cas said dismissively.

“Twelve?!” Dean asked, “I can just imagine a fucking twelve year old version of you, runnin’ around, raising hell in the casinos. This bad on a horse, you were probably even worse on the slots.”

Cas chuckled. “Hardly. My parents had me on a leash, I never even thought about setting foot into one of those casinos.”

“A leash?”

“Figuratively.”

“Ah. So what, they just dragged you along then?”

“Basically. They were celebrating their anniversary and couldn’t find anyone to babysit me. Hester- my little sister- stayed with my Aunt and Uncle, but they wouldn’t have me, because, um…” Cas rubbed the back of his neck, “They said I was embarrassing. I hadn’t come out yet back then, so… maybe it was because I liked pink.”

“Did you like shit like America’s Next Top Model? Maybe that’s why.”

“No, thank you very much, I hate reality television. I mean, yes, I preferred watching documentaries on bees rather than Mighty Machines, but I find them interesting, sue me!”

“Bees?” Dean asked playfully.

“Bees,” Cas affirmed, glaring back at him as if challenging him to tease.

Dean held his hands up, and crossed his arms. “So… go on.”

“Well, suffice to say, I was a burden, I’d imagine. But my sister Anna was also along for the trip. I believe she lost her virginity that weekend…”

Dean chuckled. “The only time I’ve been out of Texas was when I,” he took a breath, suddenly sobering, “…visited my uncle, in Kansas. I didn’t want to, ‘cause he’s kind of a dick, but… it was necessary,” he muttered. Then he looked at the whiskey bottle he was holding, and took a swig. The mood fell a little.

“You want some?” he offered, and Cas was genuinely surprised at how warm Dean was being. He wondered if he was just trying to make him feel better before the real trauma of cattle herding began.

“Thank you,” he accepted, and took a drink as well. They stared at the fire for some time, just sitting silently, until Cas slowly began drifting off. He huddled into himself in the fetal position as he fell into a much needed deep sleep.

“Night, Cas,” Dean murmured, then he winced, watching the sleeping brunette. He couldn’t break his gaze from where it was on Castiel’s hipbones, just barely peeking out from the waist of his jeans.

He didn’t want to feel like this.

Not after what happened to his family all those years ago.

But it was getting harder and harder to fight… keeping up his douchebag devil-may-care attitude toward Cas was becoming increasingly frustrating, because he just found him _so_ …

Ugh. Time for bed.

Dean finished the last sip of whiskey, languidly letting the smooth liquid run over his lips and burn down his throat. He tossed the bottle behind him.

But he knew he couldn’t sleep. Sleep didn’t come easy to him, not when everything weighed on his conscience. He wished everything could just disappear, and the one way he stopped thinking about memories that physically hurt him to remember was a way that he just couldn’t give in to.

It was a horrible cycle, but one he had to maintain. He had to distance himself, like he had in the barn.

But that got him thinking… out here, on the Plains… it was only the two of them. And that scared him more than ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I don't think I've updated a chapter that fast ever :p In regards to all the mysterious thoughts, more shall be explained in the next few chapters... :) Also, yes, there is an actual cattle route in Texas called Goodnight Loving. Freaking perfect for this fic lol. Thanks again for readin'! ;)


	7. Chapter 7

Castiel woke up, feeling an ache in his back as he realized he had been sleeping on the hard, dusty ground all night. They had brought sleeping bags, but he guessed he was just too tired the night before.

He rolled over, rubbing his face and sweeping his bed head out of his eyes. Dean wasn’t anywhere in sight… the horses were still tied up, and seemed to be comfortable under the tree, so Cas had no idea where Dean went.

He got up, and stretched his stiff back. Well, Dean was probably going to the bathroom or getting changed or something. In the meantime, he’d just take a walk down to the river he heard Dean talk about- that would be the substitute for his morning shower.

-0-0-0-

Dean waded into the river. Cas had been sleeping when he left him to come wash off, so he was sure he could safely get naked for a quick dip without being seen. He peeled off his top, and shucked off his jeans as well, tossing them to a bush. The cool water felt good on his skin, especially with his shoulders that had been burned last week.

He cupped some water in his palms, wondering how Cas would react to having to bathe in this. It wasn’t the cleanest water, sure, but there weren’t enough people out here to litter in it, so it wasn’t _un_ -naturally dirty. It didn’t bother Dean in the slightest, so he poured the water in his hands over his head.

Letting himself float a little, his mind wandered back to his point before. Cas would be bathing in this. Which meant… Cas would be naked.

 _Well duh, shithead,_ he thought to himself, and rolled his eyes. He was starting to get frustrated at how many boners he was getting from just _thinking_ of the guy. It was up, it was down, he didn’t even know what the fuck to do with it anymore. He usually just ended up jerking off while forcing himself to think of models and shit, like the half naked ones he had plastered all over his room.

But his was the worst case of denial; Cas’ damn name kept on falling from his lips or else he couldn't get off. It was like he couldn’t _not_ imagine his hands as Cas’, stroking him slowly, perfectly, knowing exactly how to touch him because he was experienced with other guys…

“Fuck yes,” Dean whispered, and opened his eyes to realize his hand was wrapped around his half hard dick.

“Shit…” he muttered, grimacing. He didn’t want to, but there was no way this was going down now. God damn city boy,  coming in and making him horny all the time. He never used to be this horny. Yeah, he'd take care of himself maybe twice a week, sometimes more, but not like this! He felt hopeless, and needy, and all things that Dean Winchester, man's man, was not.

He bit his lip to stay quiet, even though the river was a few minutes away from where they had stopped last night and there was no chance of Cas hearing him, and gripped himself hard, jacking in quick, urgent movements.

In under a minute, he was coming, and though sated, he felt that same guilt come back.

_All for Cas…_

He sighed, rinsing his arms one more time before standing up.

-0-0-0-

Cas walked down the path through the rocks and stones, toward the river. He had remembered to pack all of his panties, so he could get these wet; at least until he was fully submerged.

He peeled his shirt off, and as he approached the river, he suddenly covered up, noticing he was not alone. A light blush spread across his chest.

Oh. There was Dean.

_Naked?_

He obviously hadn’t seen Cas… his back was turned, and it was tanned from many hours under the sun. It was beautiful, and flexing… Cas could see the top of Dean’s ass, and it sent him reeling.

Suddenly, Dean turned around, and Cas made a dive for the bushes-

And ended up tripping on a rock and face planting instead.

Dean frowned, and dried off using his old clothes. “C-Cas?”

Cas mumbled something incoherent, rubbing his nose, and stood up shakily, thanking all heavens his it wasn't bleeding. “Um... uh, sorry, I didn’t know you were…"

_Naked. Hot. Bathing._

"...Down here.”

Dean covered his lower half, and sighed. “It’s… fine. I guess. Look, just hurry up and get washed up, okay? Cause we’ve got 15 miles to cover a day if we’re gonna be back in a week.”

“15 miles?!” Cas squeaked, temporarily forgetting the fact that his own jeans were undone and he was talking to a naked Dean, albeit covered.

“It would be 25, but the cows need to rest at certain points of the day or they’ll be too unhealthy to give to Rufus,” Dean explained, wiping his face with his shirt.

“I won’t be long,” Cas said, swallowing. Dean’s eyes peeked down quickly at Cas’ undone jeans, and Cas squirmed.

Dean went a little slack jawed at the sight of the magenta lace, and Cas covertly moved his hands a little in front of them. Dean shook himself out of it, and ran a hand through his wet hair.

“See you back at the set up,” he muttered, and Cas let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding once Dean was gone. Did that mean Dean thought it was attractive that he wore women’s underwear? Or did it mean he was morbidly fascinated with how weird Cas was? God dammit, this was so _complicated_ now!

He didn’t want to think anymore. He just wanted to ride, and ride properly. He wanted to show Dean he could be a hard-ass cowboy if he tried, and a sexy one at that.

So he did as he said he would, and rinsed off quickly, slipping on new clothes and making his way back. Just before he got there, though, he decided at the last minute to ruffle up his hair, and make it look wild.

 _Let’s see how straight you can be now Dean,_ Cas thought, grinning devilishly.

“I’m ready,” he announced, and Dean turned.

“Alright. Let’s hit the road.”

Cas thought he heard a hitch in his breath, and smirked. May he can finally get Dean to show his true colours.

The brunette took a breath, willing himself to do this correctly, and mounted Honey, pleased that he did it right. Or he thought he did, anyway.

“Fix your buckle,” Dean sighed, and Cas looked down, realizing it was caught on the saddle.

Cas frowned, and unhooked the belt from the saddle. This was like some sort of science.

“Let’s move,” Dean said, and looked back at Cas. “Are you coming?”

Cas sighed. “Of course.”

They rode for about two miles, and it eventually got too quiet. Dean started humming Seals and Croft’s Summer Breeze.

“My parents like that song,” Cas said, hearing Dean’s humming from the front of the herd.  

“Yeah… so do mine,” Dean said, “When we aren’t listening to country, which is actually _good music_ , I gotta listen to their old music.”

Cas nodded. “I know what you mean. Awesome 80s is all my parents ever play. They can’t stand country, of course…”

 _Just as I don’t_ , he refrained from saying.

Dean grunted, nodding. “What kinda music do _you_ like then?”

“I don’t know… new stuff, I guess. Whatever’s on the radio.”

Dean scrunched up his nose, and Cas huffed. “What, I’m boring, okay? I like… pop, and R&B and stuff.”

“Do all your friends like that kind of music? I want to know how different SD is from Texas.”

“Well… not to blanket stereotype anyone, but San Diego isn’t as enthralled by the country genre as your state seems to be.”

Dean chuckled a little, and Cas went on, smiling.

“My friend Meg, she and I have very different tastes in music. She likes rap.”

“Like... angry rap?”

“Yeah, Eminem and 50 cent and stuff. My older sister sort of likes the same music as I do, except she prefers something with a ‘sicker beat’ and seeks out house dubstep.”

Dean full on laughed at this, and Cas shook his head.

“You should see my little sister. She listens to screamo and punk rock just because she thinks it makes her seem older. You should have seen the look on my mother’s face when she went into Becky’s room and heard ‘Die Motherfucker Die’ blaring.”

Dean wiped his eyes, grinning. “Man... I’ll stick to Jason Aldean, thank you.”

Cas laughed, and suddenly, they heard a disturbance. A single cow had gotten out of the herd, and was on its way off course to the right.

“Aw,” Dean muttered, “Really Lucy?” He shielded his eyes as he watched the slow cow attempt to walk away from them, and Cas looked as well.

“You name them?”

“Yeah. It’s a way to keep ‘em in line, knowing which one’s which,” Dean mused absently, “Lucy’s a troublemaker. I’ll go round her up, hold on.”

“No, let me do it,” Cas said confidently, and Dean raised an eyebrow at him.

“Uh… how about no? You can’t even mount a horse, dude.”

“Watch me,” Cas said, determination laced in his voice, and in a split second, he had Honey galloping after the wayward cow.

Dean adjusted his cowboy hat so that he could see Cas try and herd Lucy. He had doubts, but damn… that guy did look real good on a horse, now that he wasn’t completely inept at riding her.

His thighs, which, now that Dean studied them, looked fairly defined, and his lithe, athletic arms showed from the rolled up sleeves of his denim vest. His messed up hair blew back in the wind, and his pronounced jaw line was basically smacking Dean in the face, just begging to be marked or kissed.

Dean watched as Cas trotted in front of Lucy, and gave her a pat on the left horn, trying to get her back. Lucy wouldn’t budge.

“Hey, lemme-!” he tried to call, but Cas held up a hand.

Dean’s eyebrows shot up. “What are you, the damn cow whisperer?” he muttered to himself, and kept watching.

Cas stayed there for a few minutes, trying every way, and finally, Dean was ready to go over there. But as he moved to, Lucy mooed, and Cas used Honey to nudge her back to where she should be.

“Huh,” Dean remarked, “How the hell’d you do that?”

“Patience,” Cas said, and shrugged a little, making Dean’s jaw clench. Maybe he was getting better.

They kept riding, and it was late afternoon when they topped to rest. It was at a stop much like last night’s, a good spot for bathing and sleeping and such. Cas slept well again, Dean did not.

-0-0-0-

Four days later, they were well on their way to Rufus’ place, almost three quarters of the way there. They still had a fair bit to go, but Cas could at least imaging they were close. He longed for a real shower and a real bed, and wondered if Rufus was hospitable enough for one night’s stay. If Dean’s family was friends with him, then most likely.

They had reached a very beautiful area, with open sky and endless landscape, and Cas had to admit, stargazing at night in the Texas desert was breathtaking; nothing he had ever experienced before.

"Pretty, ain't it?" Dean asked, looking up at the sky. The sun was setting, and oranges turned into purple, bleeding into the darkened horizon.

"Yes," Cas whispered.

They didn't talk for another five minutes, and Dean spent a few of those gently stroking Baby's white mane a few yards away. There it was again; that caring, soft side of Dean that nobody got to see but his horse.

He murmured something in the horse's ears, staring up at the sky. Then Cas saw him wipe his eyes, and he came and sat down.

There were so many things Cas wished he knew about Dean.

The two sat next to each other, but this time it wasn't awkward, or tense. They just sat, staring at the stars together.

Dean reached into his bag, and pulled out the box of Marlboro Reds. None were missing inside, Cas noticed as he opened it, and the blonde took one out, also finding his lighter.

With the lighter, Dean got the fire going with a few sticks from the nearby bushes, and put the cigarette in his mouth to remain unlit, after taking a sip from a flask.

Cas tilted his head curiously, but all previous wonders were lost when Dean twirled his fingers around the cylinder, lips opening and closing around it and leaving a damp impression.

Dean stared back at him, deep in thought. His green eyes were wide in the firelight, every freckle just as pronounced as the last time Cas counted them.

Dean's eyelashes fluttered as he felt Cas take his hand, massaging it slowly.

And just like that, the resolve broke.

All Cas could feel was the sudden rush of breath on his cheek, then his lips, and the taste of warm whiskey as Dean kissed him.

His mind was racing. _Was this actually happening? But Dean was... what? He never imagined Dean would be the one to do it. But then again, he'd been surprised in many ways in the past few days..._

"Mmm," Dean mumbled, pulling back. He looked stunned, and his breath was heavy, panting and shallow.

"Dean," Cas breathed, eyebrows lifting, "Please tell me you meant that. Please don’t run away on me again.” 

There was a moment's pause, then Dean slowly began to nod. "I can't fight it any longer, Cas... I want you. Wanna," he swallowed, "Wanna feel you. I have to," he murmured, voice breaking as he continued, "I can't hide it any more, man."

Hearing that made Cas sigh in arousal, and he leaned in again, connecting their lips. It felt so good, so yearned for, so fulfilling to finally do it genuinely.

Cas moved his hand up Dean’s thigh, a silent question of 'can we?', and Dean went in for his lips again, a little hungrier this time, a primal glint in his eye.

"Wouldn't have it any other way. Not now, anyway."

Cas didn't have much time to wonder what changed Dean's mind, as he was soon being pulled closer. He rolled over onto Dean's lap, and the cowboy tossed the cigarette he was holding into the fire.

"You wanted to jump my bones since the day you arrived on the ranch," Dean muttered, and Cas blushed a little, hoping Dean couldn't see it in the firelight.

"I suppose it's no secret. But you seemingly made it your mission to humiliate and ignore me."

Dean looked down. "Yeah. Yeah, I know. You probably think I'm the biggest jerk in the world."

Cas gave a lopsided smile, placing a gentle kiss right underneath Dean's bottom lip.

"Make it up to me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, I won't leave you hanging. The smut will follow shortly ;)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short *finally smutty* chapter; I will make up for it with the intimate backstory that will finally be explained in the next one. xx

Cas wouldn’t have believed this was real if not for the slight hesitancy that Dean was displaying in the way he touched him; it wouldn't have been Dean if he wasn't at least a little uncertain about this all. But with every kiss, bite, groan, Dean was losing his inner battle.

The blonde grimaced, unable to stop his hips from bucking up. Cas ground down onto his growing cock through both of their jeans, and Dean sought out more friction, before sighing and holding himself back.

"Stop fighting," Cas muttered, kissing his neck softly, "It's stupid, Dean."

After a moment, Dean let himself go in defeat. He cupped Cas' cheeks again and kissed him until both their lips were swollen and their tongues were tired.

"Listen,” he mumbled, “I don’t really… know what to do.”

“I figured,” Cas chuckled, “It’s okay. I’ve got it.”

Dean’s eyes slid shut, letting Cas kiss him all over. Those were words he had waited too long to hear; that he could just let go, and someone else would take care of things.

But as Cas continued to mouth along his chest, lower and lower down to the trail of light hair leading down, Dean lifted his chin.

“Wait… tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”

Cas let out a breath, happy he didn’t have to take full control. Yes, he did have more on the knowledge of gay sex than Dean did, but that didn’t diminish his fantasy of Dean using him.

“Well… you’ve touched a girl before, yes?”

Dean looked at him like he was crazy, and put his arms out. “Of course!”

“Sorry, sorry…” Cas laughed, trailing circles around his defined biceps, “God forbid I damage your masculine ego.”

Dean blushed a little, toning down his body language a little and licking his lips. “Yeah, I’ve been with plenty of women before. And I liked it.”

Despite the indignant tone, Cas didn’t doubt this; Dean obviously wasn’t gay. He was bisexual, by the looks of it, but that was for Dean to discover on his own, not Cas. 

“Okay,” Cas whispered, “So touch me how you would touch a girl.”

“But…” Dean muttered, “Don’t we have to, like…” He made the weirdest wiggling motion with his fingers, and Cas grinned.

“Yeah Dean, but hold your fucking horses. I want you to take full advantage of my body.”

Just being able to say those words made Cas shudder, and he wondered as a side thought if it was really a good idea to take this slow.

Dean nodded, and slowly began rubbing his hands over Cas’ shoulders, then down his back, pulling them closer together. Dean was now in a sitting position and Castiel was straddling him, one leg on either side and seated comfortably.

Suddenly, Dean leaned into his ear. “Well, Cas, not for nothing… but when I fuck a girl, I fuck ‘em rough.”

Cas gasped, unprepared for that. But the confession went straight to his dick, and he moaned as he ground down into Dean’s own tenting pants.

“Fuck, need these off,” Dean growled, and Cas leaned back, dropping his hands down to Dean’s buckle and making quick work of it. When he popped the button on Dean’s jeans, the brunette smirked.

“No underwear, huh?”

“’S constricting,” Dean grinned back, shimmying around a little as his arousal began to get uncomfortable.

“Uh huh,” Cas muttered back, and took Dean’s length into his hand. It was just as Cas had imagined; long and thick and better looking than anything he’d ever had before.

“See somethin’ you like?” Dean whispered, smirking at Cas.

Cas sucked in a breath. “Shit… things really are bigger in Texas.”

Dean laughed and groaned at the same time, and thrust into Cas’ fist, prompting more touching. Cas began to run his hand up and down it, rubbing his thumb gently along the vein throbbing on the side then over the sensitive slit. 

“So, how do I measure up?” Dean smiled.

Cas rolled his eyes.

“You’re a compliment whore.”

“You’re a whore for my cock, what’s your point?”

Cas shuddered again, and rolled his hips for relief. “Bigger than anything I’ve ever taken before,” he whispered.

“Huh,” Dean muttered, “Sure you’ll be able to do it?”

“Fuck, Dean-“

“Sure you can take my big cock pounding you into heaven?”

“Dammit, undress me.”

“My pleasure.”

Dean unzipped Cas’ pants, and threw off his jacket haphazardly. He was lucky the toss missed the fire…

Cas blushed a little when Dean came to his panties. His little guilty pleasure was on display now, and especially around someone like Dean, he didn't know how it would go over, even if the other boy had seen him by the river. 

Dean made a little noise, and Cas fidgeted with the white panties rubbing against his balls and the tip of his dick peeking out the top of them now. "I just... wear them because-"

Dean cut him off with a kiss, pulling him down to his mouth to make out deeply for at least a minute. When Cas came up for air, Dean was grinning.

"They look sexy on you."

"I... guessed that," Cas breathed, running a hand through his wrecked up hair in a daze. Dean pulled the panties down, making sure to let the band smack a couple of times, and threw them off to the side as well. 

By now, with all the dirty talk and touching, both boys were fully hard and ready.

“Okay,” Cas said shakily as his twitching cock hit cool air, “I need you… t-to use the lube, and open me up with your fingers.”

Dean swallowed, and his eyes fell to the small plastic bottle with the clear gel. 

“Okay.”

In a second, two fingers were slicked up, and the cowboy had them in Cas’ ass, pumping in and out and making him moan and bounce.

“Fuck, Dean, wider- wider, I wanna fit all of you…”

Dean added another finger, assuming that’s what Cas meant. This was all very foreign for him, since he had never even fingered himself, but he did know he loved the feeling of Cas’ hole clenching around his fingers. Imagining his cock in there had him breathing hard.

“Ah! Okay… okay, _now_ ,” Cas hissed, wincing and stopping his movements. As he watched Cas take off the rest of his shirt, his cock gave another eager twitch, so he held it steady as he got ready.

“Hold it… up, this way,” Cas explained, and Dean would have blushed red if he wasn’t so in the moment; another guy was explaining sex to him, new sex that he’d never had before, and he was loving it.

He just wanted to get it right, and make Cas feel amazing. So he followed what he said, and held his cock upright.

“You’re, um… clean and tested, right?” Cas asked. Dean nodded.

“Yeah. Last girl I was with made me do it, I’m good.”

Cas nodded in relief, because stopping any of this in its tracks would have been pure torture for both of them. Cas lowered down, and the most incredible feeling enveloped Dean’s body as Cas sank down over his aching cock.

“Shit! Christ, Cas!” Dean cried, grabbing for his hips. Once Cas had fully received Dean, he began to rock his hips.

“Move,” Cas breathed, and Dean let his instincts take over as he began thrusting upward, watching Cas’ lips fall open as he lifted up and down on him. So… not much different than doing it with a girl. But still… different.

“This feels… so fucking amazing,” Dean mumbled, continuing to thrust upward.

_Maybe even better with a guy than a girl…_

He forced that thought out of his head and just focused on making Cas moan.

He really wanted to flip Cas over and just _hammer_ into him, but he was also still pretty inexperienced with this whole dude on dude thing, and if he did something wrong, it would ruin the night.

“Deeper, Dean,” Cas moaned, and Dean held onto Cas’ hips, trying his best to get himself deeper in by pulling Cas down in time.

“Oh yeah, just like that,” Cas muttered.

“Ride me harder, Castiel,” Dean growled, and Cas let out short breaths with every hard thrust.

“Dammit, you feel so good around my cock,” he drawled, and Cas cried out in a little noise that had Dean fighting for control over his ability to hold out.

“You… almost there, baby?” Dean asked, and Cas felt his heart pang with the name. Dean didn’t seem the type for endearments… but then again, he was learning a whole hell of a lot about him he didn’t know before.

“Y-yeah… a little longer… please, Dean… don’t stop…”

“Yeah, that’s right… so good, watchin’ you take my cock… so fuckin’ tight for me…”

“I’m your little slut, Dean-“

“Damn right you are… could fuck you all night like this… you’re so pretty ridin’ my dick…”

“Jesus!” Cas cried, “Ah! Oh… please, make me come, Dean…”

“You want it bad, don’t you?”

“Yes!”

“You love hearin’ my Texas drawl as I fuck you, huh?”

“God, yes!”

“Gonna come for me, baby?”

“Oh, Dean-“

“Come on, come, Cas!”

Cas’ heavy cock bobbed as he bounced one last time, relishing in the feeling of the head of Dean’s cock hitting his prostate perfectly.

With one more, he came in stuttered gasps, grabbing a hold of Dean’s arms to steadily ride himself through it.

Dean’s hips pushed once more, and he came too, deep inside of Cas, gasping and groaning as he grabbed Cas’ ass and massaged. It was endless, and it was better than anything he had imagined, or could have imagined.

“Oh…” Cas muttered, feeling Dean grow softer inside of him as he felt the familiar wetness coat his inner walls.

“Shit, I’m sorry…” Dean panted, “did you want me to… like… inside you?”

Cas wiped his face. “Yes, god yes… I want to keep you in me all night. Figuratively.”

Dean nodded a little, out of breath, and Cas rolled off of him, grimacing slightly.

_Things had changed now. It was irreversible._

 “You okay?” Dean asked, and Cas nodded contentedly.

“Better than ever.”

They lay there, side by side, looking up at the night sky. Since there were no lights around, the stars were bright and beautiful…

 _Just like Cas’ eyes,_ Dean thought, then bit his lip. Maybe it was one thing to have sex with Cas, and to get it out of his system, but it was another to…

He sighed, looking away, and though Cas sensed the distance again, he still reached over to take Dean’s hand.

Dean let him. It was the only thing that kept him from thinking of who he’d let down by doing this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oooh what's Dean been hiding?  
> I'll be on vaca next week, so the update won't be immediate, but it'll be soon anyway. xx


	9. Chapter 9

Cas woke up, mostly naked, snuggling into Dean’s arm as he breathed in the dry Texan air in the morning. Dean was spooning him from behind, and Cas had never thought he would come closer to heaven than this.

Dean's cock was seated between Cas' legs, and Cas shifted a little, feeling the hard ridge of it. He then realized he had his own erection, and as the events of last night came flooding back, he felt his dick filling even more.

As he shifted back again, Dean moaned a little, subconsciously thrusting forward between Cas' legs. There was still a small amount of lube that hadn't dried from last night still there, so it helped with the slick movements. His hands found Cas' backside, and then snaked in front to wrap his hand around Cas' cock.

Cas gasped sharply, groaning out a low "Dean..." as the blonde boy began jerking him off. He felt Dean roll his hips into him, and Cas assumed he was awake enough now to give it something more.

He opened his legs and turned around, watching as Dean kept rutting. Dean let out a disappointed whine when he felt nothing to fuck into, but that was quickly swallowed when Cas moved downward. Dean's cock just looked so... suckable.

Castiel languidly licked Dean's dick until it was throbbing, then wrapped his lips around the head. He had his mouth so far down that his nose lightly grazed the spattering of light curls there, and Dean's hips bucked up lazily. Cas just pulled off a little, then took him in again, setting a pace with his bobbing head.

"Shit, fuck-" Dean mumbled, slurring his words a little. He was still half-asleep, and Cas wanted this to be the best wake-up call ever.

As he continued to hollow his cheeks and tongue over Dean's leaking slit, he began to get increasingly frustrated with his own aching arousal. He wanted to get off so bad...

He crawled up again, and began to mouth tiny kisses along Dean's lips, letting the other boy feel up his back. Soon, Dean's hand was on his erection again, and they were trading hot and sweaty hand jobs.

"Dean... Dean, oh..." Cas whispered, and Dean thrust into Cas' fist one more time before coming with a stuttered gasp. Watching the way Dean's body tensed and relaxed, covered in a thin sheen of sweat, Cas' balls tightened up, and he moaned as his orgasm hit, letting Dean jerk him through it.

“Well... aloha, cowboy,” Cas grinned as he came down, nuzzling into his chest, and Dean exhaled.

"G'mornin'," he said in a gravelly morning voice, "You're fuckin' good at that..." he muttered, running a hand through his hair, "How'd you get so good?"

"Practice," Cas murmured.

"Huh. Man, you're even better than Jo. She had a gag reflex- you don't."

 _Aha. So_ _that blonde girl from town did have history with Dean._ Well, it was quite obvious anyway- but by the way they had interacted, they weren't on good terms anymore.

Dean lay there, hand behind his head and the other behind Cas.

"What time is it?" Cas asked, "Do we have to get going soon?" He really was anxious to get this drive over with.

"Yeah, I guess we should get going. But first, we gotta take a trip to the river to get all this dried spunk off of us."

Cas snorted a giggle, and Dean smirked.

"My ass hurts," Cas groaned as he stood, and Dean winked at him.

-0-0-0-

Rufus' place wasn't that far away, and since they didn't have to take the cows back with them, the trip home should look like a couple days at most. Meanwhile, if they got on track, they could probably make it to Rufus' place by early evening.

Things carried on as usual; nothing weird, as Cas had feared, and Dean seemed to be a lot more relaxed today. Cas was just happy they had finally had sex- he probably would've gone crazy if he'd had to stare at Dean's hot ass one more day without doing something about it.

"Are we almost there?"

"Yep," Dean called back, "Rufus' place is just up this way. It'll be good to see the old boy again- it's been years."

Cas smiled, and they rode for a few more minutes before coming to the top of a hill. Looking down, they could spot a quaint little ranch, accompanied by a humble stable and a barn. It didn't have the same field space as the Winchester ranch did, but it was a nice area.

"Follow me," Dean grinned, and the they rode down carefully with the cows between them, making it to the door as night set in.

A man opened the door to a crack, and without showing his face, he grunted, "What do you want?!" He could hear the menacing sound of a large dog barking in the background, and he heard the man turn and shout, "Shut your loud-ass mouth, Rumsfeld!"

Cas raised an eyebrow. From all the talk, he assumed Rufus would be a warm, welcoming person that opened his door wide. Obviously not. But Dean was still grinning when he looked over, so this was apparently normal.

"Sorry, Rufus. Should'a brought you a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label, hey?"

At this, the door did swing wide open, and a man with darker skin and a gold earring in his left ear  beamed at Dean.

"Son of a bitch! Dean!"

Dean laughed, and the two hugged, Rufus taking a step back to stare at the boy.

"Damn... you sure have gotten bigger," he frowned, "Or maybe I'm gettin' smaller."

"I'd assume both," Dean grinned, and ducked as Rufus tried to slap Dean in the back of the head. He hung his hat on a peg by the door, and walked in.

"And you!" Rufus said suddenly, turning to Cas. At this point, Cas was feeling pretty awkward standing at the door as the two had their familiar exchange.

"Oh! Heh, me," Cas muttered, "Yeah..."

He wasn't sure if he should offer a handshake or wait to be hugged, but that question was answered when Rufus brought him in for a tight squeeze. Geez... the dude seemed so surly at first...

"You're the Novak kid, aren't you?" Rufus asked, pulling away.

"That's me, sir."

"Don't _sir_ me, boy! I ain't no more of a sir than a donkey on crack!"

Cas stuttered at this, and Dean slapped Cas on the back, whispering, "You'll get used to him."

Cas managed a smile, and Rufus led them to the living room.

"So, you brought me some cows, did you?" he asked, and Dean nodded.

"Yep. Just ten or so- enough to replace the ones that got loose during the storm."

"Took you long enough. What were you boys doing shooting the shit out there?!"

Dean and Cas exchanged glances, but this just made Rufus laugh even harder. "Nah, you're too good to me, boy! I told Bobby I could find some cattle on my own, I don't need no charity."

"Well, you've got some," Dean said, walking over to the kitchen. "MMM! What the hell are you making?! It smells so good!"

"Don't you touch one corner of it, Dean!" Rufus warned, and sprung up. "That there's the Texas famous Turner Ranch Steak!"

Cas' mouth watered, and he thought about how Becky would crinkle her nose at that. She always did now; she was going vegan. Cas could admit it- he couldn't really appreciate a lot of the country lifestyle, but steak?

Hell to the yes.

"Can't I just take some sauce-?" Dean whined, and Rufus took up a wooden spoon, threatening to beat him out of the kitchen.

"Alright, alright," Dean grumbled, and sat down on the sofa. Cas took a seat next to him, feeling like Dean sitting down gave him a reason and some sort of validation to do so. What, he was still feeling awkward, okay?

"You boys had better stay the night," Rufus said conversationally, "It's gettin' dark."

"You think we can't handle a little darkness?" Dean scoffed, and Cas smiled at his feet.

"If you'd shut your sassy-ass mouth for a second, I would say that the temperature's supposed to drop tonight too. Plus, you know I can't eat all this steak myself."

"Bullshit."

Rufus laughed. "You know me too well. But yeah, it would be better if I shared the pounds with y'all."

Cas smiled. "I think we'd love to, Mr. Turner."

"Good. Now goddammit boy, don't call me no Mister Turner! That's my daddy! Rufus is the name, use it. Also, this ain't no museum, you can sit on and touch whatever you'd like." He stepped closer. "I smell fear."

Then he retreated to the kitchen, whistling as if he hadn't just said all that, and Cas gulped, turning to Dean.

"He's incredibly intimidating."

"Aw, Rufus is just full of shit. He's a teddy bear, just like my dad." 

Cas smiled a little, nodding, and wondered if he had time to steal a kiss. He looked around, and did, leaning over to peck Dean on the lips. Dean responded with a furtive little smirk, hissing,

"If we weren't in my surrogate uncle's house right now, I'd roll you right over and fuck you into this couch right now."

"AIN'T NOBODY FUCKING NOBODY ON MY COUCH!" Rufus called, and Dean sat up straighter, blushing like mad.

"I-I meant- I was talking to- I wasn't-! How did you hear that?!" Dean stammered, and Rufus came out to the living room, grinning.

"None of my business, except the furniture you do it on. That was my grandmama's couch- ain't nobody gettin' jiggy with it on that."

Cas also blushed, and Dean licked his lips in embarrassment; most likely the first time he had ever felt embarrassed around Rufus.

Rufus happened to have a TV, so they turned it on, watching some equestrian show that Dean seemed to be enthralled in, and before they knew it, Rufus was shouting,

"Dinner is served! Get your asses over to the table before the goddamn dog eats it!"

Rumsfeld gave a bark to that, and they all chuckled as they sat. The steak was _delicious_.

"This is... amazing," Cas said, covering his mouth as he chewed and spoke.

"God damn right it is," Rufus nodded, then smiled slyly. "I bet you thought I wasn't the cookin' type, huh?"

Cas smiled a little. "I had no idea."

"Well, I certainly don't look it. But ever since my wife died, I've gotta eat somehow, right? And I definitely can't make it out to town more than once a month for a frozen dinner or a restaurant."

"Oh," Cas said, "I'm sorry about your wife."

"Thanks, but," Rufus said, waving it off, "It's been ten years. I've got my dog and my ranch, and these Winchesters who insist on lookin' out for me. I'm doing okay."

Cas nodded, and suddenly felt Dean's leg brush with his under the table. Then he felt Dean's toe poke at his shin. Cas almost balked, thinking things over. This was Dean Winchester. Dean fucking Winchester, who traumatized Cas by kicking him out of a closet at age fourteen, who wouldn't even give him a freaking beer because that looked too gay, and now, he was playing footsies with Cas?

 _Holy shit,_ Cas thought dubiously, _maybe he's falling just as hard as I am._

And this kept the brunette boy happy until the last lamp was turned out that night in Rufus' cute little ranch.

The next day, the temperature had thankfully risen. Cas and Dean had promptly passed out the night before right after dinner, and had gotten a much needed, ten hour sleep in warm beds, on clean linen. Cas (and Dean, for that matter) were both considering getting up and joining the other in their bed, but nobody made the move to... they fell asleep too fast.

In the morning, Cas took a long, hot, luxurious shower (until Rufus yelled at him about wasting a poor man's water), and went out to see Dean enjoying a beer and a plate full of eggs.

"What can I get you Cas?" Rufus asked, turning around from the kitchen, "Want some bacon? Want some beer?"

Cas chuckled, looking at the time: 10:00. Way too early for beer; at least, with what he was used to.

"I'll settle for coffee, if that's alright," he smiled, and Rufus poured him some, sliding it down the counter. It felt good to relax like this, get the grime off of them. And Cas was pretty sure he wouldn't eat for another week, he was so stuffed when they left, not before securing the cows.

"Thanks again for lettin' us stay," Dean called, waving as they walked, "and for the restock on horse food!" 

"Thanks for the cattle!" Rufus waved back, "And Castiel?!"

Cas turned, expecting to hear a "loosen up!" or "hands off my surrogate nephew!" But instead, he heard, "I hope to see you again, boy!"

Cas grinned, and nodded, waving back. Rufus was a good guy.

They mounted their horses, and made off up the hill into the morning rays; Cas was sad to say goodbye to the temporary mirage in their trek of hot, bland weather, but they would be back soon anyway, and at least they were alone now.

"Dean," Cas brought up thoughtfully as they trotted along, "What's your _ultimate_ fantasy?"

Dean thought for a second, and swallowed. "Well... I've got this one- a gorgeous hottie with dark hair riding a tractor in nothing but panties."

Cas looked down slightly, watching Honey's hooves as they hit the ground.

"She sounds like a beautiful fantasy."

Dean chuckled a little, rubbing the back of his neck bashfully.

"I never said it was a she."

Cas jerked his head up, and grinned.

"What's yours?" Dean asked, switching it around quickly.

"Oh... well, I don't really have one."

"Come on, man! You can't just duck outta this one, I told you mine."

"Okay, okay," Cas laughed. "I like... thinking about when I'm at college. No more stress, no more worrying about stuff. I imagine I'm in my dorm, and I just wake up, and... I wake up next to someone who I care a lot about. We... kiss... and... y'know, maybe screw, uh, depends on the fantasy... and I don't know, that just makes me really happy."

Dean stared at Cas long and hard, and hummed.

"It's nice. Hey, where're you going to college, anyway?"

"Berkeley, I'm planning on," Cas replied distantly, "Unfortunately a long ways from here."

"Yeah," Dean muttered, "Sure is."

They rode in silence for a little bit longer, and Cas spoke.

"You should really do something with your writing, Dean. You're really very talented."

"Aw, Cas, I'm not that good-"

"I refuse to let you say that! Please, take it from me. You should do something with it."

Dean blushed a little bit, but didn't disagree this time.

They had made good progress home with just them, their horses, and no cows anymore, and at this rate, they would probably be home late the next night or the morning after that.

-0-0-0-

The two teens lay on the ground, resting for the night, snuggled into each other and looking up at the vast expanse of mountains around them. Dean had his arms wrapped around Cas, hugging him tight and just breathing in the other boy's scent.

"You smell like the ocean," Dean murmured.

"Still? Huh, I'd have thought the cow shit and dust would've obliterated that by now," Cas grinned. Dean chuckled, then grew quiet again, hugging him tighter do that they were once again spooning.

"It's hot," Cas complained playfully, "I'm going to be all sweaty again in the morning if we sleep like this."

Dean nuzzled against Cas' hair. "Just stay this way for right now, okay? Please?"

Cas could hear a slight undertone of some sort of desperation in his voice, as if he had resumed his inner battle and just needed Cas to calm it down. 

Cas wasn't complaining anymore though- he was okay with Dean holding him for as long as he wanted... or needed, to.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... this chapter... ^.^

"Good morning," Cas whispered in Dean's ear, breathing out and kissing him lightly on the earlobe. Dean roused, and looked into Castiel's eyes.

"'Sit really morning?" Dean asked, "Feels like last night."

"Hey... I thought you were the morning person out of the two of us," Cas teased, kissing his ear again.

"When I have to be," Dean murmured.

Cas smiled, gazing into the green eyes that were staring back at him. He found it easy to admire the pretty gold flecks in them that the sun brought out, especially when Dean was endearingly grumbly in the morning.

"You countin' my freckles?" Dean asked, and Cas grinned.

"Well, will I have another chance to?"

This was some sort of subtle way of asking if they were a thing. Dean seemed a little bit more open about it now... maybe he would answer plainly.

"Hmm," he responded, "Maybe."

Cas sighed. _No dice._

But then as he was getting up, Dean grabbed his arms, swinging him up, and yanked him into a deep, wet kiss.

Cas groaned a little, and kissed back. Dean put a hand on the low of his back, snaking downward and hitching a leg up into his hold, and Cas bucked his hips forward just a little.

"Holy," Dean breathed, "It's a good thing we're seventeen, man- I think we've broken the record on how many times people have gotten it up in three days."

"We can do better," Cas grinned.

"I bet we can," Dean grinned against his lips, "But I think I'm correct in pointing out that sex would be a whole hell of a lot more comfortable in a bed. And we kinda missed that opportunity last night."

Cas laughed, and his gaze lowered to Dean's quirked up lips.

"Dean," Cas breathed, "You're... I don't know..."

"What?" Dean asked, smirking slightly.

"I... god, I don't know what I'm saying... I just... I feel so..."

"Yeah," Dean smiled, "Me too."

Cas took a deep breath. _Ooohmigod that was so cheesy and adorable and it was everything I ever dreamed of, what is life?_

He kept having to pinch himself as he watched the other boy let the horses eat out of his hand. Dean had come so far... Cas could hardly remember what that stand-offish, hard cowboy was like, because now... now was different.

A Dean he thought he'd never see.

"Now let's see how fast you can ride," Dean winked, and Cas went over to Honey.

"How are you?" he asked the horse softly, and Honey rammed her head into his stomach affectionately, her favorite thing to do to Cas. "Would you mind if we went a bit faster today?"

The horse gave a small noise, and bumped her head into his arm, so Cas took it as a yes. Dean walked over, and supported him with two hands on his ass, and lifted him up onto Honey, not before giving it a smack.

Cas chuckled, and sighed. Was it too much to ask for if he wanted a relationship out of this?

Maybe it was. But maybe Cas was feeling selfish.

They got on, and began to ride.

"Dean," Cas said, "Write me as one of your characters in your very first book."

Dean frowned. "Y'know, you think of the weirdest things."

"Come on, humour me! Just promise, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. It's not like I'm gonna write one, anyway..."

"Why are you so frustrating?!" Cas grinned, "why do you keep trashing yourself? You don't deserve it."

Dean didn't respond right away, so Cas turned. Dean was looking away, and Cas cringed.

"Sorry... did I say something wr-?"

"Nothin', it's nothing," Dean said, shaking his head as he smiled weakly, "We can make good time if we hurry."

Cas mentally kicked himself. Talking to Dean was like walking on a minefield; if you didn't step the right way, it was game fucking over.

-0-0-0-

As Cas laid out underneath the stars that night, he thought about things. He thought about his drawing, and his aspirations for school... he'd have to go in for the fall term right away... or he could take a year. He could travel with Dean! Cas could take him to California and they could go to Disneyland... or maybe Universal Studios... Or, maybe, Dean didn't Iike that stuff. Cas could always help out on the farm for a little longer.

He closed his eyes. Being with Dean made him forget about everything stressful- being wrapped up in his arms, feeling like he mattered to someone, and he mattered to Dean, finally! Yeah, he knew his family loved him, and he had a great best friend... but that was different. He was in love with Dean... and it all happened so fast.

He leaned over to where Dean was also stargazing alongside him.

"Hey," he said, "what made you change your mind?"

Dean turned over, hands rubbing up and down Cas' torso under his shirt.

"Hm? 'Bout what?"

"About me." _Oh god, that sounded lame._

Dean shifted. "The thing is, Cas... sometimes I don't know why my mind changes. It just does; nothin' I can do about it."

Cas blinked. "Well, that's not cryptic at all."

Dean smiled a little, and took his hand out from underneath Cas' shirt, trailing it over Cas' shoulder now. Then he leaned down, and planted a soft, barely there kiss down on his lips, and smiled wider.

"You need chap stick or somethin'."

Cas laughed gently, leaning up to kiss him as well. Dean ducked his head and connected their lips again, the two getting lost in every breathless pant as they began to paw at each other.

"Cas... wanna fuck you... again," Dean swallowed.

Cas continued to kiss Dean, and dragged the other boy's hand down to palm his own cock through his jeans.

"Which ones're you wearing right now?" Dean asked, referring to Cas' panties.

"Find out for yourself," Cas laughed, and Dean unbuttoned Cas' jeans, dragging the zipper down slowly to reveal a pair of silky turquoise ones, with a little white bow.

"Jesus," Dean whispered, "Touch yourself. Baby, I wanna see you touch yourself."

Happily complying, Cas took himself just out of the top of his panties, dragging his fist up and down. He was grateful for the privacy of the barren outdoors.

"Fuck yeah," Dean growled, "Now f-finger yourself."

Cas bit his lip, and jerked his chin in the direction of the bags, barely choking out, "Lube."

Dean hurried over and grabbed it, tossing it over, and Cas quickly popped the cap, oozing some out and scissoring his fingers into himself.

"Dean..." he started to moan, grinding down into his fingers, "Fuck me..."

Dean's pupils were blown, and he simply grabbed Cas' wrist, stalling him for a second, and moved in to kiss him again. Then, he crawled down, and bit at the top of Cas' panties under his cock, easing them down with his teeth. Cas moaned again, and Dean came back, staring at Cas' cock and licking his lips.

_Well, it's probably no different than eating out a chick._

He licked a stripe up Cas' hardness, and narrowed his eyes. Then he dipped back down, and curiously licked up the beading white at the tip.

_Shit. Definitely does not taste like a girl, but at least Cas just got that much more horny from it._

Dean moved back up, and Cas started unbuckling him as they kissed again.

"God, you get me so hot when you kiss me," Dean muttered, "So fucking sexy."

"Dean, stop fucking around and... well, fuck around in me!"

"Oh, that was intelligible."

"Shut up, dick."

"Can't tell this dick to shut up, it's too excited."

Cas groaned at Dean's lame attempt at humour, then again as he began to slick himself up over top of Cas.

He laid down fully over top of him, blanketing him, and Cas lifted his hips, allowing Dean to slide in. There was that pleasant burn and stretch, then Dean was in all the way, rocking his hips deep inside of Cas. Dean's eyes squeezed shut, and Cas held his breath, rocking down in time with Dean.

"You're so good... Dean, so good..." Cas murmured, "Fuck, right there..." Dean gasped as Cas clenched, and thrust harder, deeper, for a few minutes until Cas was whining and begging to come.

"You wanna come, sweetheart?" Dean asked, pressing kisses all over Cas' face.

"Yes, yes!"

"You sure?"

"Dammit Dean, does it look like I'm kidding?!"

"Alright, alright... oh, not gonna last..." Dean pounded in again and again and one more time, and squeezed Cas' shoulders.

Suddenly, Cas stuttered out, "I love you," and Dean's eyes blew wide, his hips snapping frantically as he came.

Cas came too, crying out and seeing a white hot blur, and Dean pulled out after Cas stopped spasming, using his shirt to wipe off his dick.

Nobody said a word, until Cas brought it up.

" _That_... must've been an effect of the moment," Cas muttered, shaking his head, "People say funny things during an orgasm." He was secretly baiting Dean to shoot back a, " _No, I love you too_!" But the cowboy just rolled over to him, nodding.

"Must've."

Cas felt utterly disheartened, but he kept a smile on his face, kissing Dean one last, long time before his eyelids got too heavy to stay up.

-0-0-0-

_A smack. A bang. Dust, flying everywhere. Blood too._

_Dean dropped the bags he was holding, and ran into the dusty alley as fast as his bow legs could take him. Someone held him back._

_Another punch, another scream, more blood on the wall. The other victim had since taken off running from the scene, and Dean didn't understand why the guy running was only half dressed. Whatever. It didn't matter._

_"No!" Dean sobbed, but his cry was drowned out by the beating and the slurs._

_"No... please, stoppit!" Dean cried, tears streaming down his face as he stared at the body._

_"That, kid," one of the guys drawled, "Is what them queers deserve, y'hear?" Then he gave a wide, broken-toothed grin, and ran off with the rest of them._

_Dean dropped to his knees, shaking the limp body, shaggy brown hair covering the face._

_"Hey! Hey, somebody help us!" He shouted frantically, "Please!"_

_He could hear only crickets, and the sound of his own laboured breathing._

_"No... you'll... you'll be alright... what did you do? Sammy, what did you do?!"_

-0-0-0-

Dean jerked awake, sweat rolling down his face; it was hot, but not hot enough to drench him like that nightmare had. He hadn't had one for a few months now, but they did come. This was the most detailed.

He got up, suddenly feeling the weight of Cas' arms on him, and pulled on his jeans, running his hands through his hair. Suddenly it was like a rush of perspective; since when did he start sleeping with another dude's arms around him? Since when did he _sleep with dudes_?!

Since Cas. God, he loved Cas. He loved him. He was in _love_ with Cas, because he was attracted to women _and_ men. There. Both. He loved him. _Cas_. And it made him want to throw up from what that meant.

"Fuck," he whispered, feeling dizzy as he squeezed his eyes shut, "What have I done?"

Just then, he heard a surprised yelp behind him, and turned to see Cas scrambling around, a scorpion beside his boot. Dammit, Dean wanted to laugh. He wanted to help Cas out and tease him by dangling the scorpion in front of his face until Cas smacked it away, and he wanted to watch the other boy get pissy and stomp off, only to come back and laugh about it.

_But he was overwhelmed with the horrors of something buried deep in his subconscious. Those horrors were finally bubbling up, and it was only a matter of time._

"It was in my boot!" Cas shrieked, bounding over to cling to him, and Dean glared at the thing. He picked it up by its tail, hurling it into the distance with all of his strength. Cas began to laugh... and Dean began to cry.

Cas stopped, assessing the situation when he realized what was happening.

"Dean... what's wrong? Um... baby, I'm sure it's not dead... surely a toss didn't kill it-"

"I'm not crying about a god damn _bug_ , you dumbass!" Dean shouted, sitting down on a log with his head in his hands, "I can't fuckin' do this."

"What... what's going on?" Cas asked, a sudden apprehensive coldness spreading throughout his chest at Dean's words as he realized this wasn't a joke or a simple mood swing.

"I can't," Dean repeated, and Cas clenched his teeth together as he tried to make sense of the statement. There was a pause.

"What?"

"I can't make the same mistakes..."

"Huh?!"

Then the words _all_ came rushing out.

"I HAD A BROTHER!" Dean yelled, looking up. "I had a... his name was Sam. Sam... Sam Winchester, my older brother. I was twelve. He was 18... he was seeing a guy. Like _that_ , y'know, like _us_! He would meet up with the guy in secret, at night, his guy was a travelling performer or something. H-he probably didn't even care about my brother, he just wanted to get laid and skip town, and that was fine, sure, but it ain't fine what happened to Sammy because of it."

He couldn't stop spewing out words, coming clean to Cas, so he kept going.

"They fucking _beat him up_. Some stupid fuckers punched him, and cracked his ribs, and all because he was seeing a guy, and some bible-thumping, gay-hating pricks found him! They..." Dean's bottom lip trembled, "punctured his lung, and my brother bled to death that night. Ellen and Bobby, and I... found out too late." Tears continued down his cheeks, and Cas stood rooted to his spot quietly. _What would he say? What_ could _he say?_

"He used to live with us... be a part of the family... he loved his horse, he loved us, goddammit! Then he died because he was a goddamn homosexual! What the fuck?!" Dean got up, shaking his head as he kicked the log, and held his face in his hands again. "What the fuck..."

Cas opened his mouth, and offered a hand on his shoulder. "Dean, I..."

"Don't touch me," Dean sobbed, "Please, don't!"

Cas backed away, and panic started to course through him. Dean didn't want to be touched... Dean was having doubts.

_It was all a vision. A dream. It wasn't happening. It would be okay. He could talk Dean down._

"Dean, I'm so sorry," Cas tried, on the verge of tears as well, "I-I couldn't imagine anything like that happening to Becky or An-"

"Yeah, you know why you couldn't?! Cause you live in San Diego, where they throw fuckin' pride parades!"

Cas shut his mouth again as Dean wiped his face.

"How could I have been so stupid? How could I just forget everything my brother went through and make the same mistakes ALL OVER AGAIN?! I promised I wouldn't... I spent years tellin' myself the feelings, the _urges_ weren't real, it was just a phase nobody had to know about..."

"Dean," Cas said slowly, "It's okay. You're not making any mistakes-"

"YOU'RE my mistake!" Dean cried, and knocked his hat off the tree branch where it hung in a burst of anger.

Cas stood there still, stung by the words and taken aback by the outburst.

_But Dean was just mad. He would kiss him in a second. He would apologize, they would make up. He would say-_

"When we get home today, I want you out of my house."

Cas balked, and had to clamp a hand over his mouth to close it.

_Please, no, he was so sweet to me..._

"D-Dean, listen to yourself, what're-"

"It's wrong, everything we've been doing. I should've seen from the start you would just drag me back into this whole thing."

_Nononono, everything was unravelling, everything they went through-_

"Dean, wouldn't your b-brother w-want you to be happy?"

Dean jerked his head back. "My brother would still _be_ here if it weren't for his stupid need to FUCK other men. I don't need you, and I don't ever want to think about you again, cause if I do, I'm everything I ever swore to hate."

Now, Cas felt like crying. It was as if his whole world just toppled in on itself, and there was nothing he could do to pick up the pieces. It was like a switch being flipped, and Cas had no idea what made Dean go off like this... or so strongly.

"Please... Dean- just yesterday, we were..." Cas tried, his voice breaking as he faltered, but Dean picked up his hat, his face steeling over as he walked right past Cas and got onto Baby.

Cas watched him ride ahead, and the only thing that made him follow was his inability to find his own way back.

-0-0-0-

There were many questions- at first about the drive, about Rufus, then the departure came to light. Bobby and Ellen just didn't understand why Cas was leaving so abruptly. _College stuff_ , Cas answered mundanely. The boy called his parents, asked them to get a flight for him, and got his things together that very same day.

"I'm sorry, son," Bobby had said, dumbfounded as he put a hand on his shoulder, "Id'a thought he'd warm up to you by now."

Cas stared back at Bobby, and felt like laughing. His eyes were a mix of fury, hurt, wrath, guilt, and pretty much every emotion in the book.

"I'm sorry too, Mr. Winchester. Dean seems like a great guy."

Castiel was gone by that night on his way back to California, leaving Dean to wish he could erase the entire day, and maybe his entire life as well. Outside as Bobby drove Cas away, out in the field, Dean laid against his horse, biting his lip so hard he tasted blood. Then he stood up, turned, and wrapped his arms around Baby, letting out what seemed to be a perpetual stream of confused, lovesick tears.

"I'm sorry Sam..." he whimpered, "I'm sorry Cas."


	11. Chapter 11

"What did you say to him?"

"Huh?"

"Don't _'huh'_ me, boy, I'm not an idiot," Ellen snapped at Dean, who had staggered in at a very late hour from the field.

"Mom, please-"

"Siddown."

Dean gulped, hiding his face in his shoulder as he pulled out a wicker chair at the kitchen table.

"Now, you tell me everything."

Dean crossed his arms, refusing to look up, and Ellen yanked out a chair beside him, the boy wincing at the loud screech it made. She sat down, and glared at him.

" _Tell me_ you didn't blame Castiel for makin' you think of," she took a breath, "Sam."

Dean closed his eyes, and Ellen shook her head.

"You're not tellin' me everything," she accused, sitting back in her chair, "You better come clean right now, or I'm gonna make your life a living hell, boy."

"Trust me, my life can't get any worse," Dean mumbled, and Ellen narrowed her eyes.

"What was that?"

Dean looked up, and into his mom's eyes, and tried to fight the mist in his eyes. He had already cried too much for one day.

"Mom... I'm... I'm in love with Cas."

The rustling of the newspaper where Bobby was on the couch ceased all at once, and Ellen's hard expression softened.

"Well, shit,” she sighed, "What else is new?"

Dean raised his eyebrows a little, and then groaned, letting his head thump down on the table.

"Well," Bobby huffed in amusement, "That cattle drive must’a been an interesting one."

Dean covered his head with his arms. "But... I don't want to be in love with him," he went on, voice wavering, "I can't be... Sam-"

"Sam was just doing what his heart told him," Ellen interjected, reaching out to stroke Dean's hand, "We may have lost him, but that doesn't mean we give up the fight. Hun, I've learned one thing. When you find someone who holds your interest for longer than one night... you take them and run."

Dean sniffled, and shook his head.

"'s too late."

"Cas ain't dead, Dean, he's in California!" Ellen retorted, "You've _always_ got a chance."

Dean was silent, so Ellen moved her hand up to cup his cheek.

"Baby, you've struggled with Sam's death ever since it happened. We all have! But if you let that hold you back just because you're afraid it'll happen again, Cas is just as gone as Sam is to you."

Dean looked up, and wiped his eyes. "He'll never take me back. Never ever, not after what I did. What I said to him."

"He may not," Ellen agreed, "I don't know just what you said to him, but I assume he'd have every right to never speak to you again."

Dean deflated, and looked out the window.

"But... I have an idea that would at least make it harder for him to say no. It's hard work- but I know it's somethin' you had your eye on anyway."

Dean blinked, and looked back over at his mom.

-0-0-0-

August flew by. Cas helped Meg at the store on off days, since she was working there again, just for a little extra money at least.

"So... I still don't fully understand," the girl said, clucking her tongue as she doodled on her hand, "Why the hell did you leave again?"

"Meg, we agreed, the two things we are not allowed to talk about if I work here with you is last week's Bachelorette and... _him_."

"Huh... you won't even say his name," Meg huffed, "I guess you used it all up in bed."

"MASTERS, I SAID I-"

"Don't wanna talk about it, I know. But I have to know the dirt. _Have to_."

Cas' stomach lurched even thinking about Dean.

"Look, it wasn't that interesting. He just... turned out to be the same asshole prick he was when I met him."

"What, did he kick you out of another closet?"

"Figuratively, he kicked himself out of one... and that's where the problem lies."

Meg frowned, but the jingle of the bell on the door saved Cas from further explanation.

Meg turned, and saw some older man walk in, wearing a black overcoat and carrying a walking stick.

"But why did he-?"

"Pay attention to the customer, or you'll get fired again."

"They're _shopping_ , genius, I can't hang over their shoulder and ask them what their favorite color is."

Cas sighed, pausing the slapping on of price tags for a second. Suddenly, he felt bad for calling Dean a prick, after everything the guy went through, and he also felt bad for keeping Meg in the dark. She was his friend, and even if she was insufferable and too snarky for words at times, at least she cared enough to ask.

"Fine, you buzzard," Cas grumbled, sitting on the counter, "It's complicated why I left. We had this... this _great_ time together. He taught me how to ride, he taught me how to..." he found himself smiling, "Bend in ways I've never bent before."

Meg laughed, slapping him on the knee, and Cas went on, his expression souring.

"But really, all he did it for was sex, I’m sure of it. He just wanted to fool around, and when it came down to the feelings and stuff, he just couldn't do it."

 _For a reason. He had a reason. I should forgive him,_ Cas thought, then he frowned at himself. _Why? He's the reason I cry myself to sleep! He’s the reason I’m still in gross pyjamas at one o clock in the afternoon. He deserves none of my pity. I fucking hate him._

"I see," Meg nodded, "So you told him you loved him and he didn't say it back?"

Cas nodded, because yes, that was basically the truth of the matter condensed. Then he looked at the ceiling.

"Meg, I... I don't want to miss him. But..." he shook his head, "I do."

"Aw, honey," she cooed, and wrapped her arms around him, letting her friend bury his head into her shoulder, "Forget that dickhole. He doesn't deserve you, love, you're too fucking special for him!"

"Yeah..." Cas whispered, but whenever he closed his eyes, he still saw Dean's green eyes and vast open ranges.

Just then, they heard the man that had been shopping clear his throat, and Meg looked over.

"Oh, I'm sorry- is your cauliflower more important than my friend's broken heart? Because if it is, I invite you to take it for free."

Just then, they heard her boss call from the back, "NO YOU DON'T!"

"Screw off, Zach!" Meg called back, and she rolled her eyes over to the customer, who had reluctantly gotten his wallet out. Cas had to laugh at his friend... at least he had someone like her to keep his head up.

The guy placed the vegetable on the counter, then peered over Meg's shoulder.

"I'd like to buy a pack of cigarettes as well."

Cas hesitated, his back to the man, and Meg nodded, punching something into the register.

"Yeah, what kind?"

"Marlboro Reds would be lovely."

Cas squeezed his eyes shut. _Fuck. Everything just screamed Dean._

-0-0-0-

It was a hasty decision to start school fresh in the spring term. Taking time off just gave Castiel time to think, and that was not healthy right now, so he busied himself with entry work and applications. That didn't stop him from being moody and lethargic and _totally_ in denial during that time, though. 

_September._

_October._

_November._

_December._

_January._

_February._

_March._

_April._

After months of work and obsession over busying himself over precision, Castiel’s dream came true, and it came in the mail in the form of an envelope.

-0-0-0-

"Caaaaas!" Becky shouted, but as usual, Cas was listening to music as he sketched. This time, he was sketching a horse, and since he loved hands so much, he was also adding a rough, dirty one petting the white mane gently...

"CAS!" Becky shouted, busting into his room, "I've been calling for you, ugh!"

Cas frowned at her, and took out his ear buds. "Hm?"

His blonde sister rolled her eyes, and tossed a pile of mail onto him.

"You have stupid mail, dumbass."

"Gee, thanks. You're just a ray of sunshine today," Cas deadpanned, and Becky huffed dramatically.

"Yeah, well... Dan just died. _Again_. Now Sal's left all alone to fend for himself!"

Cas chuckled. Of course, it would be about her show.

"Thanks," he muttered, and Becky left, shutting his door. He sifted through.

_Hot Topic newsletter... his Spencer's order confirmation for that vibrator he ordered (yeah, better hide that)... Pizza Hut... Subway coupon..._

Then his eyes lit up. A letter from Berkeley. _Ahhhhh, a letter from Berkeley!!_

But wait... it could be bad news. It probably was. Cas had been drawing crap lately, so he probably hadn’t even been considered. He tore the envelope open, and tossed the paper onto his pillow, opening the letter and scanning it for key words like " _Congratulations"_ and " _Accepted."_

And he found them.

"WHAT?!" he screamed, the first real burst of happiness in a while shooting through him as he read and re-read the letter.

"What?!" Becky asked from her room, an obvious irritancy still in her voice, and Cas laughed.

"I'm going to Berkeley, Becks!"

There was a pause, then the sound of a door swinging open. Becky burst back into his room, her eyes wide, and she jumped on him, giving him a big hug.

"Ohmygodohmygod this is sooo exciting!" she squealed, her mood completely flipped, "Are you going to go to frat parties? Are you going to party all night and get drunk on beer kegs? Are you going to sleep with a new guy every night? Are you-"

"Woah, hold on," Cas chuckled, "That's _so_ not what college is for."

"That's not what fanfiction says," Becky retorted, and Cas smiled, getting up.

"I can't believe this. I have to- OH! I have to call Anna!"

He took out his phone, calling his sister and telling her. The shriek was so loud Cas almost dropped the phone, and she gushed warm messages of congratulations. Anna was one of the only people Cas trusted with his personal life, but she hadn't been home since he got home from Texas, so he didn't have a chance to tell her about what happened there. He missed hearing her voice.

"Have you told mom and dad yet?" Anna asked over the phone through a grin, and at the same time, the front door unlocked.

"We're home!" Hester called, and Becky bounded out.

"Well, Cas won't be for long!"

"Huh?" Chuck asked, "Becky, you're speaking in tongues again, sweetums." Becky gave him a weird look.

"I got accepted into Berkeley!" Cas called, jogging out of his room as well.

Hester's eyes watered. "What?! Oh, baby, I'm so proud of you!" She hugged him, and so did Chuck.

Cas was gone to live in res not two weeks after being accepted.

-0-0-0-

"I requested the dorm next to yours, so swing by and bother me,” Meg said over the phone, and Cas nodded to himself before hanging up his phone. It would be good to have his friend around, at least, when she wasn’t getting smashed. He was excited, nervous, apprehensive, and just wished the cab to the residence would go _faster_. He passed sorority houses along the way, and finally came to the campus; it was beautiful. There were grassy pathways, benches, and a big white tower with a clock on it, and it seemed like you would get lost without a map.

He hurried to his room, lugging his stuff with him, and sighed as he stopped outside his door.

He hurried to his room, lugging his stuff with him, and sighed as he stopped outside his door. The room next door was playing country music... and of course, it reminded him of Dean again.

He shook his head. He was starting a new chapter of his life, and he seriously, seriously needed to let go of that guy.

So why was it so hard?

He unlocked the door, the key jangling, and as he opened it, he realized the music wasn't coming from next door, it was coming from his room. Cas groaned inwardly as he heard the notes of The Band Perry’s “Don’t Let Me Be Lonely.”

_Great. Now there was his roommate, who obviously liked country music. Spectacular._

He went in, and was about to dash out to go knock on Meg's door next to his in greeting, when something on the opposite side of the room caught his eye. Cas stopped, and walked over to the bed on the other side, which was made nicely and covered in a brown wool blanket. It smelled distinctly familiar...like wood and hay. Cas shook his head.

He looked at something on the pillow... it was a folder of sorts, like a portfolio. He opened it up, and saw that there were twenty pages of writing inside, the title glaring up at him from the page. 

_"Teach Me How To Ride."_

He frowned, and as he started the first sentence, he bit his lip. 

_"Who needs Black Beauty when you can have blue-eyed beauty, am I right? And that, dear reader, is what Dylan spent all summer thinking. Of course, he didn't want to admit it. Ever since Cam appeared that day, he knew he was a goner... but as he'd soon figure out, he didn't much mind."_

Cas dropped the folder shakily, his mouth hanging open.  _No... i-it couldn't be..._

"Like it?" a voice said behind him, "One might say I wrote from experience." 

Cas spun around, and his legs nearly gave out as he saw Dean leaning against the doorframe of his- _their?!_ Dorm. He looked strange, dressed not in his usual tank and jeans, but a blue button up and black pants. His hair was even styled. 

"Dean!" Cas cried, and stumbled over his suitcase to crash into the other boy. Dean hugged back, tighter than ever, and after a second of breathing in that wonderful scent again, Cas pulled away, suddenly remembering how bad Dean had hurt him. 

"What... what are you doing here?" Cas asked dumbly, feigning stoicism, and Dean rubbed the back of his neck, a blush spreading across his cheeks. 

"Well... okay, it was tough. Real tough, and I had to work hard. I did my SATs, and found my high school scores, and I wrote... _that,_ " Dean said, gesturing bashfully over to the writing on the bed, "As my admission piece into the writing program. That first chapter there's how I got accepted. I guess it was alright, since I got in, hey?"

"But," Cas breathed out, "How did you get the same _dorm_ as me?"

"Bobby made a few calls and asked about you. Trust me, you don't even wanna know how many "contacts" the man has."

Cas felt like laughing at that, but didn't. He didn't know what to do. He was still mad. He was still absolutely furious. 

_I shouldn't be so happy to see him... he doesn't deserve the satisfaction._

"I know you're still mad," Dean mumbled, looking down, "You're probably furious. You should be, anyway. I've got no excuse for how I acted, and a simple apology just wouldn't do it. You didn't deserve any of it, 'cause you're perfect, and I'm pretty sure you're my everything. And... y’know, i-if you want, I can transfer to a different dorm. It's no sweat. It's just that..." he bit his lip, shuffling his feet and looking so uncharacteristically shy, "the other ones are probably taken for the term. I could sleep on a bench, but… I'd really like to share a warm room with you... and y'know... if you've got nothin' better to do... make that fantasy of yours come true?" 

Cas wanted to stay mad. He wanted to punch Dean is his pretty face, and tell him how much he made him suffer over the past few months. But here, standing in front of him, after sacrificing not only his lifestyle, but his pride for Cas... there was nothing left to do but kiss him.

Dean let out a surprised grunt, but deepened the kiss, which evolved into pained, starved little ones all over each other's faces. 

"D-d'ya think you can give stupid-ass me one more chance?" Dean whispered against Cas' lips, and Cas knit his eyebrows, his thoughts flying everywhere from yes to no. But he had to follow the advice of all those cheesy love songs, and listen to his heart, and his heart was screaming, _"HOLD ONTO THIS SEXY MOTHERFUCKER AND NEVER LET GO!"_

So that's exactly what Cas did.

He put his hands on Dean's ass, pulled him in, and kissed him again. 

"I love you," Dean murmured into Cas' hair, and Cas' lower lip trembled. He finally heard Dean say it, and it brought him so much relief to hear it spoken. 

"It's about time you admitted it, you dick," Cas muttered, and Dean grinned. ”This doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten,” he added, and Dean nodded.

“Don’t forget. Remember it as a testament to how good a person you are for takin’ me back.”

They kissed again, as if their lives depended on it, and when they ran out of breath, they stood with their arms around each other for a moment.

"Hey... Cas," the cowboy finally said, licking over his lips nervously, "I'm kinda... out of my element here, as you can probably see. I taught you how to ride, and how to survive in the country and stuff... so, uh… would you do the honors of teachin' me how to treat my boyfriend right, and um… how to wear a cardigan properly?" 

Cas giggled, and touched his nose to Dean's. "If you promise to take me horseback riding again soon and remind me why I fell in love with you, cowboy... I suppose it'd be my pleasure to turn you into a respectable partner, Dean."

Dean grinned, placing his chin on top of Cas’ as he looked up and sent Sam a serene smile, telling him he had finally found what his brother had died pursuing.

Castiel and Dean may have felt the heat right off the bat, and it may have taken one longer than the other to finally realize it... but there, in their dorm room at Berkeley University, the two found themselves hopelessly in love with one another; a feeling only obtained after riding a hard, rocky path under the most impossible of circumstances. Looking back from where they made it to, through all the dirt and tumbleweeds and dirty river water, it was definitely, incredibly, undeniably, wonderfully- _worth it._

 


End file.
